Creepy stage five clingers exist and they come in all ages, shapes, genders, and sizes. If you have not already, I am sure that at some point in your life you will encounter a stage five clinger. It is important to be prepared, so here are 15 ways to get the stage five clinger away from you.
1. I have to go to the bathroom. This is a classic move. The stage five clinger will probably get the hint and scurry along to the next victim, unless he/she is extremely persistent, which then may lead to you using another tactic from this list.
2. Oh, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend/girlfriend. You don't even have to actually have a significant other to use this excuse. The clinger won't know you are single, unless the clinger is actually a stalker, which in that case you probably should just evacuate the area and lock your door.
3. If just the idea of a significant other doesn't fend off the clinger, then an impostor sure will. Have a friend act like a protective significant other and the clinger will be sure to stay away for the rest of the night.
4. Cry. This is more for girls. Yes, it happens; sometimes, girls get emotional and cry after having a bit too much to drink. It's annoying, but in this case it can be used to your advantage. No one likes to listen to the drunk girl cry about her ex boyfriend's new girlfriend, so go ahead and cry and those fake sad tears will turn into tears of joy when the clinger goes running for the hills.
5. Bring up politics. No one wants to talk about politics at a party or a bar, especially if your views are different. Ask how the clinger feels about an issue and continuously say you believe the opposite. The discussion may get a little bit heated, but eventually the clinger will despise your beliefs and move on to someone more in sync with his/her political views.
6. Say you hate dogs. He/she may be a stage five clinger, but he/she is still a human. What human hates dogs? This will result in the clinger immediately leaving the situation.
7. Literally, run away. This may cause a scene, but you will physically be away from the clinger, which I would chalk up as a win.
8. Get a friend to pretend to be a little too intoxicated so you have to go help out. This works best when you want to leave the party, or the bar, but this can also work as long as you avoid the clinger for the rest of the night.
9. I'll be right back; I have to go call my son. Odds are that the clinger is not prepared to also cling to a child, so he/she will be on to the next one.
10. Pull a Vince Vaughn from Wedding Crashers. All you have to do is stare blankly ahead while a friend announces that you were in a terrible scuba diving accident and can no longer form words. Totally believable.
11. Tell the clinger they are just so wonderful that you don't think he/she is best for you, but even better for your friend. Then, send the clinger over to that person you hate, or send the clinger over to your friend as a cruel joke.
12. Buy whatever food the bar has, or sneak to the kitchen of the party to find some kind of snack. Shove as much food into your mouth as possible, just as the clinger is looking at you. This method has actually been tested, and it works well; and you get some food out of it!
13. Tell the clinger you are an undercover cop. Ask for a form of ID. He/she will probably run away and never come back.
14. Leave. If the clinger exceeds the expectations of stage five then you should probably just head to a different party or bar. The best nights are the nights you go from place to place anyway, right?
15. Ask the clinger if he/she wants a ride home in your new Prius. Enough said.
A stage five clinger is a difficult person to deal with, but these 15 methods will help fend off a clinger in no time. If not, then maybe you and the clinger are soul mates and you have to deal with it. Good luck!
