1. So, Gillian, do you have a job?

I do not. There is no excuse for this. I can only feebly mumble something about double majors and no time between the essays. I am entirely dependent on my parents and financial aid. I eat ramen at midnight when I’ve missed the meal periods at school. I even compare ramen prices at Walmart and buy the ones that don’t come in the little cups because they’re four cents cheaper per ounce. I am the living embodiment of college student, I bring Tupperware to the cafeteria and fill them with mashed potatoes and spaghetti, furtively stowing them away in my bag, hoping the ladies who work there don’t notice.

2. How are your studies going?

Badly.

3. Do you have a boyfriend?

No. I am pitiful and will most likely die alone in a cramped apartment in a small town in Idaho where my cats will proceed to eat my body in the intervening three months before my discovery.

4. Well, whatever happened to (insert now irrelevant boy’s name)?

Considering the fact I just told you I was dying alone, you can probably safely assume Boy and I are not together anymore. In fact, Boy and I have not been together for a while, it didn’t work out. I am desolate. Staring into the face of abject loneliness.

5. Are you happy?

WHOOEE BUDDY!! Let me peer deep into my withered husk of a soul and evaluate the last months of my life before I answer this. As I agreed with my friends a few nights ago when faced with the decision of whether or not to attend a documentary about this very subject, happiness is an unattainable goal and I will not waste precious time I could be spending writing a German essay. If exiting my teens has taught me anything, it’s that I am a jaded and morose human being, and yet, I am content. Very content.

6. Have you been working out?

I have better things to do than run in place for thirty minutes and then lift something heavy.

7. What are you planning to do after graduation?

I am Sisyphus, carrying the boulder of my woes and trepidation up a hill, only to watch it roll all the way back down when I reach the top. I am midway through the boulder of college. I have not reached the top yet. By asking me this you are literally asking my to continue rolling this college boulder up the hill while simultaneously rolling another one up too. I can’t do it. Don’t ask me to.

8. What do you plan on doing with a German Language degree?

See, I knew from the outset that there is not much to be done with this. I mean, everyone there speaks English anyway. German is not a critical language. There is very little use for it. My father pleaded with me to learn Chinese in high school, but instead, I chose to study Arabic. A lot of good that did me. I can like introduce myself, identify classroom objects, and maybe understand curse words in Arabic, but why, oh why, did I not pursue a degree in that? Perhaps that could have been useful. I’m having a breakdown while writing this.

9. Why are you minoring in History?

Intensify breakdown.

10. Isn’t International Studies kind of a soft major?

*Screams into the void.*

11. Do you think that top is appropriate for Thanksgiving dinner?

Listen mother, as a strong female, I am allowed to make my own wardrobe choices. Just because I am wearing all black and there is perhaps some skin showing does not mean I disrespect the (dubious) accomplishments of our Pilgrim forefathers. Also, in case you’ve forgotten, we are eating Thanksgiving dinner at Golden Corral, so I think my cleavage is not the first order of business in addressing unorthodox Thanksgiving meals.

12. Are you ready for finals?

*Slides down in chair, slips under table, curls into ball, sobs*

13. What do you do in your free time, Gillian?

Well, I’m about 175,000 words deep in my tell-all autobiography and I’ve just finished a stint restoring sight to the blind as well. I think next weekend I’ll compose a concerto, then discover a new species of Amazonian frog. Who am I kidding? I watch Netflix and cry.

14. Do you have any internships lined up?

The short answer is no. The long answer is that I am incapable of taking initiative in this sort of thing, so I’ll probably just get a minimum wage job at McDonald's instead and then, when looking at my weak resume, cry lightly.

15. How are your friends?

Just as I am, my friends are also struggling through constant breakdowns and we frequently get together to write essays at 4 a.m. and commiserate about our pathetic lives, so actually, pretty good. I mean, we'll survive.