14 Hints that You’re the Hero in a James Bond Novel

1. You have certain useful skills, which certain people will pay you a lot for using. Or they may kill you because you have those skills.

2. You’re saved the world over a dozen times, but your boss still thinks you’re incompetent.

3. All the women you meet in your travels have names with racy connotations.

4. On average, you will have slept with 1.5 women by page 43.

5. Somehow you can afford to eat well, drive sports cars and buy champagne on a government employee’s salary.

6. Your next mission takes you somewhere exotic. Actually, you always go somewhere exotic.

7. Other government agents only slow you down.

8. You’re that guy who other men hate because you don’t have to work to get women.

9. You think about your ex-lover(s) on occasion and wonder, “Whatever happened to her anyway?”

10. A sinister man wines and dines you as he explains how he’s going to kill you and your current lover.

11. Despite smoking over twenty cigarettes a day, you don’t have lung cancer.

12. You never die. Ever.

13. You infiltrate a secret fortress that just happened to be filled with available young women.

14. You could seduce a lesbian, man-hating nun if you wanted to.

Note: Thanks to the now-defunct website The Toast, whose satire articles provided the inspiration for this article.

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