1. Work is a near-constant caffeine high because of the free coffee (#bestworkperkever).
Honestly everything is a blur. I might have worked for five hours or I might have worked for five days.
2. On top of that, if you mess up someone's drink, you get to keep it.
Oops, I accidentally added an extra shot of espresso to this drink that's coincidentally my favorite. My bad. I'LL DRINK IT, GUYS.
3. You've secretly come up with names for all the regulars.
"Good to see you again, Hot Daniel! Ha-ha. I mean..."
4. But some of those regulars are really, disconcertingly weird.
Like that guy who comes in moments before closing and orders nine shots of espresso over ice. What can you possibly need these for, sir? And should I call 911?
5. It pains you a little when people mix Splenda into those pure, perfect espresso shots you just pulled.
YOU'RE RUINING IT.
6. You'd take a rude customer over an inaudible one any day.
If I can't hear your order, I give up. I GIVE UP. I'm picking something for you. Enjoy.
7. And rude customers confuse you.
Don't they know that you wield all the power here? Don't they know you could *accidentally* make their drink decaf?
8. You'll do your best with some latte art, but chances are it'll turn out like this:
Or it might look like a penis. Sorry. I was going for a heart.
9. You feel the worst when you watch someone walk out with a drink you know you made wrong.
What if Carol had low blood sugar? What if I just killed her by forgetting the caramel?
10. The phrase "nonfat, extra foam" makes you want to scream.
Because the fat in the milk CREATES THE FOAM. Nonfat milk doesn't make good foam. Ugh.
11. No feeling is worse than the feeling of coffee grounds under your finger nails.
MAKE IT STOP!
12. You've maybe (definitely) judged someone for their order before.
"What would a half-caf single-shot caramel iced soy latte with dark chocolate drizzle taste like?" It'd taste like are-you-freaking-kidding-me, that's what it'd taste like. Do you want some coffee with that sugar? Get out.
13. At the end of the day, you're proud of your coffee knowledge...
You can rattle off the difference between a flat white and a double cap (it's the microfoam!). You can label everything at the bar (grouphead! Portafilter! Dispersion screen!). You know gotta tamp down that espresso with 30 pounds of pressure before extracting it. And it's all gotta happen in 22 seconds FLAT, or else you've ruined that espresso.
14. ...And you leave work each day smelling like espresso.
And it's not the worst thing in the world.
