1. We don't make your drinks
Fo' realz, don't ask your server to "make it stronger", or complain about how it's taking five minutes too long. The bartenders make their own customer's drinks and they make ours, too. So if your alcoholic drink is taking a while, keep in mind that we don't have much control over it
2. "Hi, there's gonna be 15 of us"
You can't walk in on a Saturday night with a group of 15 and expect to be seated immediately (if at all) without calling ahead...and then get mad when the staff tells you there's no room
3. Please control your children
Yes, cleaning up after you might be in our job description, but letting your child shred napkins, coasters, and finger paint with ketchup all over the place for your 45 minute dinner duration is just plain rude
4. I'm not your dog
Seriously, if you snap your fingers, clap your hands, or call "HEY!" really loudly, you will not get a response. Servers are there to help you, not act as your slave. I guarantee the employees are trash talking you in the back room for this.
5. I don't have control over the menu
Don't spend 20 minutes of my time complaining about how the fried mozzarella isn't in mozzarella "sticks." None of us in this place have control over the menu or how things are prepared. And, you asking me to "pass this comment on to the owner" will absolutely never happen.
6. Why do you need a soda and water?
When you and your eight guests ask for "diet coke and water", your server will hate you. We know damn well 99 percent of you won't touch that water which, by the way, took up way too much precious time that could be dedicated to our other tables
7. You are not our only table
If you're looking around wondering why your server hasn't been over in a while, it's most likely because you aren't the only one being catered to. Please cool your jets; we think you'll live if your sixth orange soda refill waits another few minutes.
8. Get off your phone
Nothing is worse than going over to greet somebody and being blatantly ignored because they have their face in their phone. Put it away and be a decent human being while someone else is speaking to you and trying to get food out on your table. (You know, what you came here for)
9. We live off of our tips
Sigh. I can't believe we still have to talk about this...servers get paid so below minimum wage that after taxes, our paychecks are often less than a full tank of gas. Tipping is not optional, especially if you receive exceptional service. Twenty percent is standard, and if you're low on money, don't skimp on us — just go to McDonald's
10. We really do enjoy pleasant people
As much as we complain about terrible diners, we really do enjoy pleasant company. Servers have to be outgoing, so chances are, we like to have conversations with our awesome customers. If we can do more than just put food on the table, we are happy. If you're a pleasant diner, thank you on behalf of all servers everywhere
11. No, you can't order after the kitchen closes
If the kitchen closes at 11 and you ask me at 11:03 if you can still order, the answer is always no. If there's anyone that wants to go home at closing time more than the servers, it's the kitchen staff. You can bet your butt that at 10:59, everything in that kitchen is off and won't be back on until morning time
12. "Can you turn the heat on/up/down/off?"
Nope.
13. For the love of God, just leave already
An hour or two is long enough to sit and enjoy dinner. If you have to wonder if you're overstaying your welcome, the answer is yes. If your server comes over multiple times after you've finished eating and it's been quite a while, chances are they're trying to kick you out. And if you pay your bill, that's your sign to just leave. We need that table for other people, and we also want to go home, even if you don't.
