Everyone wants what he or she can’t have. I am no different than every other person that desires what is out of my reach. I want smaller boobs. Before you stop reading because you think I am just being a whiny little girl, hear me out. Big boobs are a nightmare and here is why:
1. My back always hurts: Always. Not sometimes, not every so often--always.
2. Every bra I have is ugly: Go into any bra store, and look for size 34DD. If you can find a bra that is not plain black, white, or tan, then you contact me immediately to tell me of this magical bra you have found.
3. My boobs look pointy in certain shirts: This did not come to my attention until a friend of mine said, “Please dear God do not wear that, you look like you could poke someone’s eye out.” Great.
4. I break bras more often than Catholics break bread: A man friend was taking off my bra and when he was struggling to get it unlatched, I asked if he needed help. He said “No, your bra is just flimsy, how old is this thing?” It was a month old. But thank you for noticing (and verbalizing) that I turned a $55 bra flimsy in one month! Not sure what hurt more, him saying that or the wire I had stabbing me in my side boob as he said it.
5. There are rumors of “big boobie adult film stars”: Big boobs does not mean I will be sharing them with you via text message or video. I don’t know who started this rumor that girls with big boobs want to share them with the world, because nope we don’t. Sorry boys, I am trying to get a job one day and the last thing I need is that crap coming back to bite me in the ass. Which speaking of my ass, I will not be sending a picture of that either, so don’t ask.
6. I have to convince people I am not fat or pregnant: all you boobless skinny girls in your flowy shirts, please do me a solid and buy two large melons, put them in your shirt and take a hard look in the mirror. I swear I look about 6 months pregnant every time I wear a shirt that flows off from my boobs.
7. Eye contact is nonexistent: I have friends that are guys, and sometimes I think they forget that I am a girl and have women parts. God forbid I wear a shirt showing a little cleavage on a Saturday night. Speaking to them is like talking to a wal--that is, if a wall had eyes that never came off your chest. I feel like a third wheel to my boobs and my guy friends.
8. The boob to nipple ratio is misunderstood: Its time for some math here. If my boobs are three times the size of the average girls, then no my nipples are not equivalent to the size of a penny. They are proportional and they are bigger than the average girls. Only fake boobs are huge with microscopic nipples.
9. I am nameless: I am twenty-one years old and my name disappears often. I have gotten used to the whole: “yeah you know that girl Michelle?” “No I don’t think I do” “She’s the brunette girl with the big boobs” “Oh yeah I know that girl”What? That was barely a description, how do you suddenly know who I am?
10. I look slutty in normal clothes: If you wear a revealing shirt with small boobs, it’s fine because you aren’t revealing anything. If you wear even a slightly revealing shirt with big boobs, you are now deemed a whore for the time being.
11. Running may give me a heart attack one day: Have you ever run outside in the blazing hot sun, trying to run a mile in under seven minutes? Its awful right? Now go strap two 8lb jugs of water to your chest and welcome to my world. I actually cannot breathe unless I wear a high tech Champion sports bras that your typical forty-year old mother wears. And yes, the bouncing is excruciating as well, so running is clearly my favorite pass time.
12. The "Boobie-Worth" has gone down: "Oh well I am an 'ass-guy." Oh are you? So what you are telling me is I have these two juggernauts attached to my chest and you do not even appreciate them? Fantastic. Please direct me to the "boobs guys" then please.
So all you little boobed ladies out there wishing you had some miracle grow for your mosquito bites, think again and be grateful for what you've got (or lack there of) because having big boobs is not all its made out to be.
