As a college student that goes to school 1,000 miles away from home, going home means one thing: Catch up. All my family, friends, and neighbours that I'm not in constant contact with all want to know what I've been up to, and sometimes they don't even care about how uncomfortable their questions make me.

"How's life going?"

My life is crumbling, but I can't tell you that. So as far as you know, it's just peachy.

"[Insert question specific to my major that I can't really explain that well because I skipped class that day and now I just kinda look stupid.]"

I swear I'm smart. You just caught me off guard, and I'm on break. I haven't even thought about school since last Tuesday.

"Are you still single?"

Yes. I. Am. Still. Single. Thank you for reminding me.

"How's the job hunting going?"

I've Googled how much my left arm would cost on the black market. Twice.

"Are you learning lots in your classes?"

I know just enough about the history basket weaving to pass the test. I will never retain anything I've learned.

"Still got a lot of time left ahead of you in school."

I've thought about dropping out at least six different times in the last month. I'm too far in at this point to leave.

"It's good to see that you've outgrown running around half naked."

Oh, have I know, Barbra? It's good to see that you still remember what I was like as a 3-year-old. But jokes on you, I'm only wearing pants because there are people around.

"I heard from your parents..."

If my parents told you about something, the odds are they've told you everything I will tell you. I've told the story of how I was attacked by a squirrel twelve times today. It's the same story each time. I'm done.

"How are your grades?"

Yeah... We're not going there.

"College is easy. Wait until you get into the real world."

Well, I'm sorry, great uncle Dan, but not all of us are as gifted as you.

"What are you planning on doing after you graduate?"

I've got, like, two more years to figure that out, and even then I probably won't have a clue.

"When I was in college..."

Allow me to let you in on a little secret: I so don't care. I just want to sit down and eat food until I can't see my toes.