1. If you are sick, please wear a face mask and wash your hands often. It’s the right thing to do around a group of people.
2. If you have a hacking cough, please take your med an hour before your flight so that it kicks in before you get on the plane. Trust me, if you are hacking away on the plane, you have a hundred other passengers cringing because they believe they are about to catch every communicable disease known to man.
3. If you tied one on the night before the flight, please do your best to brush your teeth as not to offend the person sitting next to you. Eat something greasy to coat your tummy and balance out the liquor; no one wants your throw-up all over their clothing. This is important, get on the plane, say hello and go to sleep.
4. Everyone loves a conversationalist, but hey you talkers- shut it down after 10 or 15 minutes. No one cares about your kids, about your job, or what your future goals are in life. People want to relax on a plane!
5. Sleeping is good on a plane, but if you snore, do your best to point your face straight forward or towards the window if you have a window seat. No one wants to smell your breath! Try to minimize that noise as best you can. I have sympathy for you, who can actually control snoring.
6. Hey, you aggressive folks, do your best to be happy during the flight - no one wants the plane to divert because you are acting a fool and the authorities are waiting to arrest you after the emergency landing. Our time is as valuable to us as your temper is to you.
7. Airlines, you are not off the hook! What is up with the no snacks policy? (JetBlue this is not your fight, you have amazing snacks …God bless you)! A cup of Sprite does nothing for my hunger. We pay too much airfare not to get our packs of peanuts and cookies when we get the munchies.
8. Ok, this one is sensitive but it needs to be said! Please shower and brush your teeth prior to traveling. A plane cabin is close quarters, no one deserves to smell pure funk! Funky people should be criminally charged with aggravated assault! It’s really that sensitive.
9. On the heels of stinky-ness, it’s time to bring up flatulation. I get it, it is natural to pass gas and sometimes you have no choice. But, if you knowingly ate trigger foods that gave you rip ass prior to traveling, then you are dead wrong! That’s right up there with you being charged with aggravated assault.
10. Everyone knows there is a risk of a terrorist boarding your plane. I think it’s fair to say that we all look around to check each other out for signs of trouble. NEWS FLASH! To all you onlookers who are not inconspicuous about your profiling and stereotyping- STOP STARING you are freaking everyone out!
11. For every plane that glides down the runway there is at least one baby on the plane. The baby or toddler is going to cry, I think it is a known scientific fact. Stop staring at the baby with disgust because the baby’s parents are giving you the stink eye and none of you are happy on the plane. Resolution: As long as planes fly, babies will be on those commercial planes. Put on your headphones and zone out. That way everyone will be happy!
