This is it. After a solid ten minutes of thought-processing, I have done it. I have the answers to all the problems millennials face in the dating world today. I hope you’re ready for it, because the knowledge I’m about to drop was surprising to even myself- and I was using my own mind to think of it the entire time. That’s saying a lot, you know?
Buckle up.
1. Throw your phones into a large body of water.
As soon as you meet your anticipated bae of the evening, go to the nearest coastline, lake, river- whatever will drown your handy piece of technology with total and complete ease. Can’t risk your addiction to Snapchat or Instagram being the ultimate downfall of your lovely evening. After all, every single bit of the blame is on the app itself, right? Not the user… right?
2. Ride bikes to your destination.
Nothing says “environmentally conscious" like a nice, refreshing bike ride at 7:00 p.m. on a December evening in 49 degree weather.
3. Avoid eye contact.
Prolonged eye contact leads to intimate thinking. This date ain’t about hook-up culture. Keep those eyes averted at all costs.
4. Refuse to talk about yourself.
You don’t want to sound self-centered do you? If your date really likes you, they’ll do the same. Trust me, this will definitely not lead to any awkward pauses in conversations or an overall stop to the date.
5. Memes
Bring printed memes because your phone currently resides under (approximately) 20 feet of water depending on where you decided to toss it’s life-sucking, plastic-y metal body. Bonus points if you laminate them prior to the date.
6. B.Y.O.A.
Bring Your Own Appetizers, of course! Hide them in your pocket. Don’t let your date see. If you’re going to be selfish at any point during the date, now is the time. Hopefully they thought ahead and stashed some almonds in their coat pocket or something.
7. Offer to play the guitar for them.
Even if you don’t know how play it or you don’t even own one. Find one. Do something on it. Anything. Smash it. Leave your date for the guitar.
… Anything.
8. Talk about the fact that a third Tron movie isn’t happening.
Because someone has to, okay?
9. Break into their car before the date so you can fill up their gas.
Yes, this is totally illegal. But also heartwarming, don’t you think?
10. Mention that your socks don’t match repeatedly.
Only people that are totally random and unique constantly wear socks that are not mates. This is basic stuff we picked up in middle school. Just like the socks. Honestly, it’s kind of concerning that those are the only ones you can find. Where are the rest of your socks? Where is your life going? Oh no.
11.Better yet, just show them school pictures from middle school.
Ah, the glory days. Back when those socks were acceptable and you were cool for dyeing one section of your hair a toilet-bowl blue. That’s your best self. They need to see it.
Hopefully this nifty little list will help you the next time you find yourself planning to go on a date with someone. I know I'll definitely be using some of these well-thought tips and tricks the next time I go out.
(By the way, I do not actually condone breaking into someone's car. That's bad. Don't do it.)
