Sadly, most of us are not the gifted conversationalists we wish we were. We stutter, we sweat, we say all the wrong things to all the wrong people. For some of us, however, this issue is particularly severe when we find ourselves speaking to a member of the opposite sex - specifically one whose physical appearance makes us have to consciously stop ourselves from saying the words "please let me love you" out loud. If you're unsure as to whether or not you suffer from this devastating affliction, never fear. I've taken it upon myself to compile a list of common symptoms of the condition, so that you may seek a proper diagnosis and finally get the help you need.
1. Eye contact makes you hyperventilate.
Consequently, you avoid it like the plague. You also like to keep a defibrillator handy, just in case one of them winks at you.
2. You assume they must be talking to someone else.
So what if he's looking right at you and using your name? There's no way this Adonis could possibly be speaking to me, you think to yourself. I must be hallucinating.
3. You painstakingly engineer opportunities to talk to them, only to flee the second it looks like it might actually happen.
Sure, maybe you did wait in your car for an hour just so you could "run into him" outside his building, but that amusing anecdote about flying squirrels you'd planned to share with him seems so trivial now. You'd better just head home so you can eat an entire sleeve of Oreos by yourself and cry, as per usual.
4. You make up excuses for why you won't talk to them.
After all, "I'm not really looking for a relationship right now" sounds a lot more reasonable than "I'm afraid I might start crying, pass out, and drown in a puddle of my own tears."
5. You hide from them if you didn't know ahead of time that you'd be seeing them because you haven't had adequate time to prepare.
Are you wearing your lucky underwear? Do you look like you just emerged from the salon on your way to the Golden Globes? Have you memorized the lyrics to his favorite childhood song? No? Then you are not ready.
6. You rehearse conversations you anticipate having with them in the mirror, and then get frustrated when the conversations actually take place and they go totally off-script.
He made no effort whatsoever to learn his lines. If you didn't know any better, you'd be inclined to think he hadn't rehearsed this scene at all! The nerve of some people.
7. You get distracted while talking to them (because you can't believe it's actually happening in the first place) and miss most of what they say, so then you don't know how to respond, and usually wind up saying something along the lines of "Hah, yeah, totally."
Then you excuse yourself to go bask in self-loathing in private.
8. Every time you inexplicably manage to actually say something smooth, you promptly turn right around and shoot yourself in the foot.
Him: Nice car.
You: Hey, thanks! Maybe I could give you a ride in it sometime. WOAH, no, that's not what I meant -- I mean, unless you'd want -- I mean, no! Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
That is, by the way, a completely fictional dialogue, which in no way resembles any conversation I've had in real life (no matter what Kyle may have told you).
9. On at least one occasion, you've drunkenly decided it would be a good idea to make a pass at one of them online.
Spoiler Alert: It would not be a good idea.
10. You've been startled awake in the middle of the night by flashbacks to all the times you were being hit on, but were too socially inept to realize it until it was too late.
But in your defense, men are known for their subtlety. I mean, come on - winking at you, squeezing your shoulder, whispering flirtatious comments in your ear when there's no one else around to hear them? Vague, much?! One would have to be clairvoyant to interpret such impenetrable messages!
11. They usually seem confused and/or fascinated by you.
This is because they think that your deranged chipmunk behavior might mean that you aren't interested in them, which has happened to them exactly zero times. They don't know quite what to make of you, which makes you kind of exotic, in a way. Of course, your pathological awkwardness will inherently sabotage any edge this "air of mystery" could possibly have given you, so it's hardly a gift.
Keep in mind, this list of symptoms is NOT an appropriate substitute for an official diagnosis. Please see your physician to rule out other conditions.
