Sure, your roommates are bad because they don’t clean up after themselves, forget to flush the toilet, and hit on your sister. But worst of the worst? No, that title belongs to the six hooligans that I share a creaky old house with. Here are eleven reasons why my roommates make yours look like Snow White's seven dwarfs (seven men who kept their cottage in the woods spotless without a vacuum, disinfectant, or recognizable personal hygiene).
1. My roommates buy kitchen necessities.
My roommates are smart and helpful, or at least think they are. They figure liquid can be consumed straight from the faucet or carton or jug. So, they replaced all our glasses with peanut butter, athletic, and B cups. Sure, they’re cups, but they’re not adjusting to their new job very well.
2. Their bodies heal.
At first it seemed great when one of my roommates was carrying his crutches instead of using them. And honestly it was exciting to see my other roommate carrying a wheelchair, until I saw the old woman crawling after him.
3. They feel for me.
Just once this year I want to be reminded of what hooking up feels like, but every time I let my roommates know I’ve got an eye on a girl, they beat me to her and I go home with nothing to feel but a great deal of loneliness.
4. They tell me I look good.
I already know I look good, I don’t need them to tell me that. And even if I didn’t look good it’s not their job to try to give me self-worth. Back off bro, I look incredible, especially when I wear those jeans.
5. We have similar interests.
We like delivery services; I like UPS, but they like FedEx. We like celebrities; I like John Wayne, but they like John Wayne Gacy. We like entertainment; I like the Simpsons, but they think Jessica and Ashlee aren’t effective performers. How am I supposed to live with people who think this way about two of the greatest stars of our generation?
6. They like my family.
I understand it, my family's pretty cool. But my sister isn't cool enough to invite over while I'm not home, and neither is my dad. Also if you're going to invite them over you might as well invite my mom too. Now she feels left out and is asking me why my friends don't like her.
7. They're rude.
Sometimes they're rude.
8. They clean up after me.
In life, timing is everything, and my roommates have taken that to heart. That's why they cheat their way off the chore chart by washing the counter after I wash it, vacuuming after I vacuum, and wiping after I wipe.
9. They continuously shock and stun me.
Maybe that sounds nice to you, as if they baked me cookies, or enjoy sudoku as much as I do. But that’s not it at all, my roommates have Tasers.
10. They tell me I eat like a bird.
First, they tell me I eat like a pig. Then when I try to eat like a bird, they aren’t willing to chew my food for me. At least your roommates have your back, or are consistent in their criticism.
11. They give me alone time.
At first I thought it was nice, but I haven't seen them for a few days and am wondering if they might have moved out without telling me.
Now that you understand just how bad they could be, maybe you’ll give your roommates a pass next time they leave their dish on the counter. Maybe even realize that despite their quirks and annoying habits, they're some of the best friends you have. Unless of course you don't like them at all and are miserable around them because they're total nut jobs, then you should definitely move out.
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