On July 14, 2015, I had double jaw surgery that broke my jaw in six places, removed my wisdom teeth and fixed my deviated septum. I went into the operating room nervous, but also way too optimistic. The surgery was riddled with complications that pushed the surgery to nine hours instead of six, and left me much more broken than I expected.
In the long recovery that followed, I had to learn to readjust and practice a lot of self-love. Here are a few bits of wisdom I learned the hard way:
1. Losing your sense of beauty can make you stronger.
You can learn to live without red lipstick. It's not fun, but you learn more important things about yourself.
2. Your identity is not in your body.
A lot of things changed for me immediately after surgery. I couldn't go to dance, school or church. I was on too much medication to drive. I didn't see my friends. For months, I didn't recognize my own face, which felt like a twisted form of body dysmorphia coupled with post-surgery blues. All the things that had previously been my identity had melted into weeks in the same recliner sucking down milkshakes and medicine.
I learned that nothing physical, not even my own face, is my actual identity. While everything else was changing, I was the same person, and that was comforting.
3. Beauty is pain.
Never has there been a truer statement. I spent many mornings trying to put lipstick on numb lips, and while I don't think it ever paid off, it did make me feel better to at least try.
4. You can learn to love what you see in the mirror.
Sometimes what you see won't change, and sometimes it will. In my case, it continued changing until a few months ago. I learned how to embrace the change and how to appreciate my big cheeks and new chin. I think I spent months asking people, "Tell me the truth, does my chin look like it's too far forward? Like, does it look normal?"
I spent hours at a time with a hand mirror just staring at my puffy face, and trying to accept what I saw. It's when you can accept those little imperfections that you can love yourself.
5. Beauty is temporary.
All it takes is one accident to change what you love most about yourself. Every bit of beauty is fleeting, so learn to live without it because one day you'll have to.
6. Health and beauty are not the same.
I remember people constantly marveling at my weight during recovery, specifically at how much weight I lost. Maybe they thought it was a compliment to ogle at my bony arms and perfectly flat stomach, but I was starving, and not by choice.
I tried to take in as many calories as I physically could, but it wasn't enough. I was covered in bruises, my ribs poked out at awkward angles, and all my clothes were too big. I didn't have enough muscle to walk up the stairs with my heavy books. Lesson learned, being thin is not the same as being healthy.
8. Being healthy is much more important than looking a certain way.
On the same note, I will take strength and a little pudge over being weak and thin any day. Thanks to this experience I actually work out consistently now, and I'm stronger than I was pre-op. How's that for a blessing in disguise?
9. You are more concerned with your appearance than other people are.
That spot you're worried about? No one else notices it. Trust me. The truth is that we are all corrupt little narcissists and while we are checking ourselves in the mirror, everyone else is worried about their own flaws.
10. Scars are beautiful.
Luckily, I don't have any external scars besides the ones inside my mouth, but I LIGHT UP airport security scanners with all the plates and screws in my face. I permanently lost feeling in the lower left quadrant of my lip and chin, but it's not missed. I have awesome friends that wipe my face when I can't feel the food on it, so I guess you could say it's my own little novelty. Perfection is just weird. The only people without scars are people who haven't lived enough to get earn battle wounds.
11. You are allowed to fix the parts of yourself you don't like.
There will always be people who will tell you that you have to live a certain way. You have one life, and if there is something you want to change, then make that decision based on your own convictions, not other's opinions. Whether that change is losing weight, gaining weight, becoming stronger or even cosmetic procedures, make your own decisions.
Take this with a grain of salt, because you should learn to love your flaws, but using cosmetic procedures to improve your self esteem is not off the table when used with good judgement. My surgery served the cosmetic purpose of making my face more symmetrical. Whether it's braces, lip injections or jaw surgery, take ownership of your body, but love it during the process.
12. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Pslam 129:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
The root of all body confidence is knowing that your body was handcrafted to be more than just pretty. My body was made to dance, eat chocolate, chase puppies, give hugs and hopefully, one day, be a mother. My body is not a magazine caricature of femininity, it is a real body meant for great things. It doesn't matter if I'm being told that "90 percent of men prefer thin women" or "real women have curves," my body will do it's own thing, and I will love it regardless.
Above all, be kind to yourself.
P.S. Shout out to my mom for taking so many embarrassing pictures of me through this whole process, I may not have always appreciated it, but they're fun to look back at.
