I haven't been all that open with my friends or acquaintances about the end of my last relationship. I wasn't that invested or sad that it was over, but I was really embarrassed by how I got dumped. Getting dumped is bad enough in and of itself, but getting dumped via text message is worse. I don't know why I am the one embarrassed, because I am not the grown adult who chose to end a relationship by hitting "send". Still, when someone does that to you, it's hard not to feel a little worthless. What was so bad about me that I didn't deserve an honest, face-to-face discussion? The saddest part, though, is that I'm not the first or last person to be dumped in such a cold, immature way.
So this is for all of you potential dumpers out there. When planning a breakup, please consult the following list to determine whether or not it is appropriate to utilize the text message breakup.
1. They show up at your house wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat.
2. You witness them abusing an animal.
3. Inside their closet is a sculpture of your face made out of your old chewing gum.
4. They are prison pen pals with Jodi Arias.
5. You notice that they have sprouted an extra head that has its own personality.
6. On the first date, they insist multiple times that you should go to their house and hang out with them in their basement. You have refused every time, but they keep suggesting it as an option (this actually happened to a friend of mine).
7. They regularly comment on "Teen Mom 2" articles defending Jenelle Evans' parenting style and life choices.
8. They begin referring to themselves exclusively in the third person.
9. They get your face/name tattooed on their body three weeks into the relationship.
10. They are actually a crocodile wearing a human suit.
There you have it, folks. The comprehensive list of when it is A-OK to use text messages to end a relationship. If your reason for dumping someone is not on that list, just don't do it. Promise?