As rape culture becomes a more pressing issue in society and on college campuses today, we should be more aware of our sensitivity to victims of rape. Here are some things that you should never say to, or about a girl or woman who has been raped.
1. “If you can’t communicate with the guy you’re having sex with, you shouldn’t be having sex with him at all.”
This is inherently sexist and implicitly blaming women for being raped by men because they can’t ‘communicate’. It’s not the girl’s full responsibility to communicate with a boy, and a lot of the time, a girl IS communicating that she doesn’t want it. If it takes two to tango, it takes two to communicate. If one is communicating and the other doesn’t listen, it’s rape.
2. “She said yes before it happened. She gave consent.”
No matter how much people want to believe consent is a black and white term, it’s not. There are many cases of rape where consent is given, and one party changes their mind in the middle of sex (or even at the last second). Consent can change. If a girl doesn’t want to continue having sex with a boy and he continues to ignore that, there’s no black and white there. It’s rape.
3. “You could’ve pushed him off.”
This is said more commonly to girls who are raped by guys within their age group. And it’s not true. Things like “you didn’t have to give up when he was forcing you” is not the way to handle a girl who essentially felt powerless at the time of her attack. In some circumstances, it’s even easier for a girl just to let it happen instead of risking severe damage to her body or even her life by pushing a boy off her. So if a girl felt like she wasn’t capable of pushing someone off her, or if she “gave up” resisting, she shouldn’t be blamed or criticized for that.
4. “It can’t be rape if he was your boyfriend.”
This is another false statement. Whether or not a girl knows who raped her, and whether or not she had a romantic relationship with the person who raped her, it doesn’t matter. A girl who doesn’t want to have sex and is forced into it is a victim of rape. She doesn’t need to have been forced into an alley by a stranger to be forced into a sexual encounter. It doesn’t matter who or where it is.
5. “If you were wearing something inappropriate, you probably asked to get raped.”
This goes back to the original issue that women are sexualized by the way they dress every day. A woman doesn’t as to be forced to have sex with someone just because she’s not wearing modest-enough clothing. An outfit doesn’t excuse a man of raping a woman, and a woman shouldn’t be judged by what she wears. Essentially, it is not a woman’s job to “not get raped”. It is a man’s job not to rape.
6. “You should have reported it.”
This comment is a little insensitive, considering the fact that rape victims are not only intimidated and traumatized by their attacker and their experience, but these victims also have a hard time going face to face with their attacker after pressing charges against them. It’s not right to just assume that rape victims will go and tell authorities they were raped immediately after it happened, or even when months go by after their attack. For one to say something like this is a sign they just don’t get it.
7. “Why did you get that drunk, anyway?”
This still is not, and never will be, an excuse for men to take advantage of women. A woman that is drinking isn’t at fault when a man forces himself upon her, and drinking doesn’t make a woman any less of a woman. A woman who decides to drink isn’t asking to be raped by a man. Alcohol consumption, no matter how much that may be, isn’t an invitation. This all goes back to the gray area in regard to consent, where it should be assumed consent has not been given if an explicit agreement has not been announced.
8. “Being raped doesn’t mean you should get an abortion if you get pregnant.”
Women should have the right to choose whether or not they can carry and support a child. Especially in cases of rape, a woman should never have to carry out a pregnancy after being raped. A baby shouldn’t have to be brought into the world as a result of a sexual attack. And it’s wrong to think so.
9. “You ruined that guy’s reputation.”
It might’ve been good for that guy to think about the consequences of forcing a girl to have sex with him before forcing the girl to have sex with him.
10. “She lied about getting raped.”
Unless some third party was there at the time of the incident, or anyone other than the rape victim could feel what that rape victim was feeling during the time of the incident, no one can judge what was and wasn’t a lie. It’s not this third party that has the authority to estimate whether or not the rape was legitimate. If a rape was reported, there had to be a reason why.
Please think about what you say before you say it, especially about such serious and sensitive topics as the rape of girls and women.
