Okay, I know you’ve probably seen like a hundred million articles about New Year’s resolutions and goals, and even more about how to make 2017 better than any other year of your life to date. But to be honest, I don’t care about your new weight loss routine, or your resolution to start reading the bible. I think that if you wanted to do these things, you wouldn’t be waiting for a new January to start doing them. So, these things aren’t really resolutions or goals, they’re like guidelines for how to improve as a species. Because let’s face it, the human race has been failing in some respects for the past few thousand years.

1. Stop pretending crocs are cute or cool.

Unless you are a 10 year old at a swim meet, burn them.

2. Same goes for Birkenstocks.

Let’s leave extremely overpriced, extremely underwhelming shoes in 2016.

3. Learn how to drive.

We all “know” how to drive, but let’s stop being so god awful on the roads. There’s truly no good reason to be aggressive and crazy while driving a huge metal death trap.

4. Start embracing technology and social media and quit acting like Twitter is ruining your life.

I’m so over hearing about how I’m ruining my own life because I like tweeting things about my life and looking at pictures of golden retrievers on Instagram.

5. Wear sunscreen. Like, all the time.

I just feel like this is important.

6. Get rid of the notion that women are worth less when they’re sexualized.

Surprise! I can do/wear whatever I want and still be brilliant and funny and have lots and lots of worth. Also: it’s perfectly acceptable for me to be sexualized, as long as I’m consenting to it. Sexuality is not an evil disease, and it does not affect my personality.

7. Recycle

Just because our future president doesn’t believe in global warming, doesn’t mean it’s not a real thing!

8. Can we please stop acting like Seth Rogen is funny?? Come on.

Sausage Party was one of humanity’s biggest downfalls in 2016, and that says a lot considering that it was the year of the election of a orange-faced rapist as President

9. Push for more all-inclusive fashion/beauty brands!

Last year, CoverGirl featured a woman in a hijab, as well as a teenage boy in their makeup ads. Plus sized and disabled models have started walking in runway fashion shows. I LOVE this, and we should all be pushing for this trend to keep spreading.

10. Start flossing. And wear your retainer, because we both know that you don’t. Teeth are important, let’s start treating them that way.

This sounds like a resolution, but it’s more important than that. Your retainer misses you.

Happy New Year! Remember, New Year, same you, unless you start actually working towards change!