Virtually everyone who lives in or has visited Chicago has ridden the CTA, whether it be train or bus. In my nineteen years of living in Chicago, I have become a seasoned CTA rider. Below is a list I have compiled of activities that should not occur on any CTA vehicle.
1. Hold an orientation seminar for new sweatshop hires.
It's just not practical to herd 1,200 desperate women in poverty who took a sweatshop job only to make fifty cents an hour to feed their children into a single CTA bus with your PowerPoint presentation and explain to them how to cut and sew denim shorts. None of the other passengers want to hear your orientation speech.
2. Sit in the driver's lap.
Our CTA drivers work tirelessly to make our commutes as smooth, safe, and stress-free as possible. It's only courteous that you do the same; you can take measures to show your respect for your CTA drivers by not climbing into their lap en route.
3. Start a Mariachi band performance.
CTA riders prefer their rides to be quiet and hassle-free. 87% of CTA customers report considering an impromtu Mariachi band performance to be a hassle during their ride.
4. Take a poop.
There are many places for one to take a s***. Your own home, public restrooms, inside your rival fraternity's central air system, to name a few. The CTA is not one of those places.
5. Conduct a phone interview with Yo-Yo Ma.
It's inconsiderate for both Yo-Yo Ma and your fellow commuters to conduct an interview with the legendary cellist via your iPhone 6 on the bus or train. Yo-Yo Ma wants to get back to being the best cellist in the world, and CTA customers want to have a peaceful bus ride for once in their damn lives.
6. Perform open heart surgery on a cat.
There should be several obvious reasons this is not a public vehicular activity. One, it's not a sterile environment for the sedated kitty. Two, potholes riddling our Chicago streets will more than likely cause your still surgeon's hand to slip and nick the cat's vital arteries. Third, cleanup would be a bitch.
7. Practice your bagpipes.
Do you even listen to yourself when you play that thing? Take up piano or something.
8. Build an air conditioner from scratch.
It can be a lot of work to build any machine from scratch, especially a machine so sophisticated as an air conditioner. This author recommends you build your air conditioner in the comfort of your own home, or possibly on the Metra.
9. Perform a gynecological exam.
Gynecological exams are always embarrassing, but they're especially embarrassing when the patient's feet are in the stirrups smack in the middle of a Blue Line car. Try to keep your reproductive health exams in the doctor's office.
10. Make an angry customer complaint to FedEx Kinko's regarding your recent unsatisfactory visit to print your "BYOIC" (bring your own ice cubes) party invitations.
Every person has, at least once in their life, become irate after a poor visit at FedEx Kinko's. FedEx Kinko's has a variety of services: creating flyers inviting your neighbors to join you on your morning yodel on the lakefront, making labels for your myriad of porcelain cats you keep in your kitchen (Agatha and Patrick are very dissimilar in both appearance and personality, but some people (looking at you, Martha) can't distinguish the two so labels are necessary), and pressing your bare butt against the copy machine & making 500 copies of your fanny. When you choose to leave an angry voicemail addressing the manager of your local FedEx Kinko's, do not do it during your ride on the CTA.
