We recently got a new puppy a few months ago, and over her short time here, I've noticed that I've said some pretty weird things to her that would be considered inappropriate if I said them to another person or if the phrases were taken out of context, so I thought I would be fun to share them.
Also shes a coonhound/ boxer/ black lab mix who we named Shelby. She strongly resembles the coonhound in appearance and often has her nose to the grown sniffing things much like a hound. Its not very important information to know for this article but I'm sure somebody would probably be wondering about that.
1. "Shelby, You Wanna Bone Girl?"
This one is pretty self explanatory. She was being a good pup so I gave her a treat. However, I realized what it sounded like I was asking soon after I said said it.
2. *laughter* "That Doesn't Fit In Your Mouth Too Well Does it Baby?"
Another accidentally perverted sounding thing that I've said to the dog.
One of Shelby's favorite "toys" are empty water bottles despite having many dog toys to play with. Sometimes we get the big jugs of water instead of the individual water bottles. One day someone put one of the big plastic empty water jugs in her yard. She kept trying to pick up the big water bottle but it was too big for her mouth so it kept falling out of her mouth. Shed make a step or two and out the water bottle would fall. She didn't want to give up though so she kept trying to pick it up and trying to carry it. It was pretty funny and cute.
3. "Good Girl! You Made Such A Big Poop!"
She pooped in the yard. Shes mostly potty trained now but we still make a big deal out of her using the yard to enforce the good behavior. She also gets a treat afterwards.
Congratulating a human on a big poop they made would be very weird and awkward. Someone may say it to a baby but honestly its still weird because if the baby could understand what was being said and had any bit of knowledge about social norms, it would feel pretty embarrassed about the situation.
4. "No! Piss Outside! Go Outside! Uggg Shelby!"
She sometimes pees or poops inside on the floor on accident. It usually happens very late at "night" (dark out = night. I don't care that other people don't agree with me.) in the very early ams (3 or 4 am) or early morning like 6 to 8 am. We can't let her out if we happen to be asleep nor can we even hear her barking/whining sometime because of sleep.
Telling a human to piss outside? Good luck with that. Yes some people on occasion will do so if they really have to go badly, but many people do not want to piss outside if they know there is access to a toilet inside the building along with toilet paper. They would be pretty unhappy if they could no longer use the inside toilet. Even an outhouse would be better than pissing in the grass where there bugs and where anyone could watch you...
5. "I'm Gonna Get ya! I'm Gonna Get'ch ya!" *Laughs*
If I said this to a person it could be considered scary or creepy. They might even think that I'm insane and fear for their lives. It would not go over well.
I tell Shelby that I'm going to get her almost every time I chase after her. She loves to play keep away. Its Shelby's favorite. Most of the time a toy or water bottle is what she is holding while running but sometimes (rarely) she just runs and wants you to chase her. If she has a toy/water bottle, I play tug of war with her if I catcher her. Shes very fast and theres no way I can keep up. She slows down after awhile and lets me catch her though. I think she feels sorry for me, so she lets me win which is really nice and cute since shes only a 3 month old puppy and I would expect her to be more selfish than that. Shes a really sweet and nice dog when she isn't playing super rough; play biting hard enough to make your arms bleed a tad or tackling you from behind when your sitting down. She can also be a little scary when shes being protective over a bone. Anyways, shes 96% of the time a great dog and she doesn't mean to get so over excited. Like I mentioned before she normally runs with a toy but if she has no toy/water bottle, I pet her and rub her belly while saying "I got you. I got you." over and over again if I catch her and she wags her tail like crazy.
6. "I've got Some Stuff I Need To Get Done Today. I'm very Sorry and I'll Make Up For It Later. Here, Take This Toy And Go Have Some Fun With Your Self."
Take this toy and go have some fun with your self... Another perverted sounding comment that I said to the puppy that had a very different meaning.
I genuinely feel bad about not spending enough time with Shelby and I feel bad about not talking with my friends enough but I would never get anything done or make any money if I didn't "ignore" them for awhile from time to time. I'm honestly a horrible friend. I barely hang out with anyone and lately you might hear from me once a week or less if you are my friend. I feel bad about that as well. I use social interaction as a reward for getting done what I need to. I realize that its not the most healthy thing to do and worsens my depression if its done long term but its what I do and it normally helps me get things done. Obviously I can't do that with the puppy cause she has needs and can't take care of her self, but I will leave her alone for a few hours, even if she wants to play, just so I can work on something. And even though she can't understand me or understand the concept of being busy or the concept of working, I still explain that I'm busy and apologize to her because I feel so bad about it.
7. "Can I Pet You?"
Dogs don't really normally have a say in wether they will be petted or not. If they were to growl at you or bite you for petting them when they don't want to be touched, they would get in trouble for trying to tell you no, so they just have to put up with it. However there are some small visual signs dogs give that mean no than many people ignore such as licking lips or nose, tense up of the body, or backing away a tad from your hand. I feel bad that this happens to dogs so I ask her right this before petting and look closely to see how she is reacting to being petted. If Shelby shows signs of saying no, I stop. Sometimes I pet the air in her view and ask can I pet you to give her a visual clue about what I'm asking. I'm not sure if she understands yet though.
If you asked a human if you could pet them they would probably give your a weird look and think wtf. It would go over not well.
8. " Aww Wiggle Butt!"
Shelby sometimes wags her tail so much or so hard that her butt shakes left and right as well. Shes very happy and its pretty cute when it happens. However if you think of a human wiggling their butt you might think about somebody twerking and thats a lot less cute.
9. "Dat feel Good Girl?"
Shelby loves belly rubs. All I have to say is belly rubs and she will lay on her back with her belly up. Sometimes when I am rubbing her belly, she kicks a back leg/foot. Thats when I normally make a comment that must feel good.
10. "Uggg You're Getting So Big And Heavy."
The puppy is getting taller, and weighs more because shes healthy and growing up. Its a good thing, but she does not realize that she is bigger now. She still tries to jump up on your lap. Shes heavier and she barely still fits on laps. Its also tougher to pick her up now. In a month or less, its going to be impossible.
Telling a human female than she is getting big and heavy when she sits on your lap or when you pick her up would not go over well at all. Its for sure not a smart thing to tell a girl. Hopefully many people reading this have not made this mistake.
What are some weird things you have said to your pets that would be weird if you said to another person? Comment below to let me know! Also If you would like to see some videos I filmed of my new puppy Shelby, you can check those out on my youtube channel.