10 Survival Tips for Batman

1. Romantic partners are a bad idea. They invariably either die in horrific ways or turn out to be working for your arch nemesis.

2. Discreetly hire a quality fashion designer who won’t talk about their work. Get the designer’s input on your costume, or risk going out in public wearing rubber nipples. Or worse.

3. Fit your mask with a gadget that will modulate your voice. Your alternative is to snarl and gargle whenever you talk on duty, and this typically ruins the “imposing caped avenger” image. Old ladies will offer you throat lozenges when you’re trying to rescue them from burning buildings.

4. Keep track of your money and quietly move all of it to offshore accounts. This keeps you fiscally safe when someone tries to steal your company or the board decides a licentious playboy doesn’t need THAT much allowance.

5. Make a list of contractors who do specialized work without telling anyone. Eventually, you’ll want to have a hi-tech lair (or need to rebuild on after a skirmish) and you can’t magically do all the work yourself. Tech experts who are mute or owe you their lives are your best bet.

6. If you finally confront someone you’ve been tracking for weeks and they go into a long speech, this means they are getting ready to unleash something dangerous. However, they won’t do so until they finish talking. So ruin the moment. Interrupt them repeatedly or knock them out before they finish their first sentence.

7. Even if it’s not designed as a weapon, every device your company builds must have a “deactivate and melt down” option only you know about. Make sure it works remotely.

8. Before you confront the aforementioned foe, assume they have at least one trick up their sleeve that you don’t know about. Prepare accordingly.

9. If you have a domestic servant who’s raised you from childhood, has more life experience than you do, and who helps you on your missions, listen to his advice occasionally. He probably knows what he’s talking about.

10. However, no matter what your domestic servant says, do not trust your secret identity to whichever woman you’re currently having a fling* with.

*In this context, a “fling” can be defined as any relationship that lasts shorter than 2 movies.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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