For those who aren't familiar with the immaculate goodness that is Trader Joe's, let me enlighten you reeeeeeeal quick: the prices are low, the food is great, the seasonal flavors will make you feel things you didn't know existed, and when you live near one, there is no such thing as going for a "quick grocery run." No matter how much work you know you have (or how little money), it's nearly impossible to spend less than a half hour awestruck at the coffee, samples, and creative uses of cookie butter surrounding you. It's a marathon, not a sprint, y'all.
1. The Decision:
No matter how much food is actually in your fridge, the second you run out of that one essential (milk? eggs? wine?), it's time to leave the house and make pilgrimage to that glowing beacon of locally themed splendor.
2. Finding the Bags:
Because ain't nobody got time to pay the 5 cent per bag fee. TJ's just wants to help the environment, and I just need to remember where on earth I put my canvas shopping bags...
3. The Anticipation:
"I'm going to get pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin mochi balls (seriously look those up), 10 bottles of Two Buck Chuck, and as many white cheddar puffs as I can carry!"
4. Stepping Through the Doors:
......and immediately being hit by a visual overload of pumpkin spice and gingerbread everything. Smiling employees greet you, hand you a complementary seasonal cookie, and immediately a wave of calming energy rushes over you. Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.
5. The Complementary Coffee and Sample:
It's normal to get three or four cups of free coffee, right? Passive aggressive looks at the person ahead in line who decides to fill up their giant thermos...but I can hardly blame them. And will the sample lady notice if I sneak back for seconds? Probably, but it seems to be a rule that Trader Joe's employees can't frown, so she's sweet enough not to make it obvious.
6. Treat Yo'self Exotic Cheeses:
With a ridiculously large cheese selection rivaling a French market (but don't quote me on that), it's usually quite the process to decide what cheese to get. Brie? Unexpected Cheddar? Abondance? Unless you choose American, you really can't go wrong.
7. Resisting the Aisle of Cookie Butter Products:
Maybe it's just the Foggy Bottom location that loves to torture the perpetually hungry and inactive...but at one point, they did indeed have the majority of an aisle dedicated to cookie butter ice cream, cookie butter sandwiches, cookie butter mixed with pumpkin, cookie butter pancakes...you get the idea.
8. Loading Up on Greek Yogurt:
"Why yes, I will have a tub of pomegranate-flavored yogurt, as well as tangerine, coconut, and mango."
9. Moseying through the Wine Selection:
10. Checking Out, and Realizing You Forgot to Buy What You Came For:
Welp ... may not have gotten eggs...but it's okay because I now have organic veggie straws, macadamia nut vanilla crisps, and persimmons?
But it's okay, because in two days you'll be back yet again and the cycle will repeat itself.
