It's that time of year again, lovebirds. You can feel it in your cloacae. For you non-lovebirds, your cloaca has never been tighter. That's because we're on the verge of Valentine's Day. For some, this is a pagan celebration where you finally get to run around slapping women with all that bloody goat meat you've been hoarding. For the rest of us, it's a day where we express love and gratitude to the people we should already be expressing love and gratitude to every day. The exception is that this comes with presents!

Most of you probably have your special date all planned out. Maybe you're going to have dinner at the most expensive restaurant possible, demonstrating how much you're willing to pay to be loved! Or maybe you're going to cook a meal yourself, demonstrating how much you're willing to spend six hours preparing a meal that will be eaten in 20 minutes and almost immediately forgotten about, to be loved!

However you spend the date portion, there's one thing we're all looking to get at the end of the night. That's right, you know what I'm talking about. The most popular "S" word in the English language. Snuggling. Valentine's Day only exists so that hopeful lovers can end their night with some hardcore snuggling. The kind of snuggling that makes your arms and shoulders a little bit sore the next day and say to your lover, "Yeah baby, that was some good snuggling."

To that end, I present to you the ultimate 10 song snuggling playlist in an effort to help those of you with music knowing problems, or if your heart in particular has just never been moved by the power of song (for which I am truly sorry). If you need proof, I will go into great detail about why each song is on the list — starting with:

1. Sufjan Stevens, "To Be Alone With You"

Right when you hear those opening notes, you know it's snuggling time. Find the nearest bed, couch or couch / bed (I don't know where you live) and assume the position. The title alone signifies to your lover exactly what you want, which is to be alone with them. There is no one else in the whole world, who you've met anyway, that you would rather be snuggling with. And Sufjan Stevens' voice and light strumming lend themselves so easily to snuggling, that a more accurate name for him would be Snuggle-me-softly Stevens.

2. Foo Fighters, "Everlong (Acoustic)"

The original "plugged-in" version of this song rocks so hard that they had to invent a new word out of two because "Everlong" tests six points higher than "ever long" on the scale of rock titles as created by Motörhead (R.I.P. Lemmy).The legend goes that Dave Grohl, founder of Foo Fighters, their front man, and without a doubt the coolest dude alive, first played the acoustic version of this song when he appeared on "The Howard Stern Show" one fateful day in 1997. Immediately after hitting the final notes of the song, over 20,000 women across the country were impregnated. The vast majority of which were not listening to show, nor were they anywhere near a radio. But that could not stop its power. Since being played on that day, the acoustic version is now more popular than the original and one of Foo Fighters' most widely requested songs. If the person with whom you are attempting to snuggle does not enjoy snuggling to this song, remove them from your home. They are not the one for you.

3. Cat Power, "Sea of Love"

When this song begins it is important to inform the person you are snuggling with that you are not about to attempt to drown them in a sea, even if it is a sea of love. This song was originally written by Phil Phillips in 1959 and has been widely covered by many other musicians. But if you ask me, which you sort of did by reading this, then I think Cat Power has made the best cover, especially for snuggling. And if Phil Phillips disagrees then he can rise from the grave and fight me himself. To quote Ray Parker, Jr., "I ain't afraid of no ghost." Or, in this case, zombies. To my knowledge, no one has written a movie or song about Zombiebusters, but come on Hollywood, it's right there.

4. Damien Rice, Volcano

Now the idea here is that the love you have for your snuggler is so powerful it's like a Volcano ready to erupt. However, that concept is not found anywhere in the song, and in fact, if you listen to the lyrics it's pretty depressing. So be sure to lower the volume and inform your lover that the song is called Volcano, because you're probably staring into their eyes and not at the display of whatever device is playing this song so they won't know what's called, then tell them how your heart is like a volcano ready to erupt for them. That should keep the snuggling going right on.

5. Imogen Heap, "Hide And Seek"

Now by this point in the snuggling, you and your partner may be getting a little sore in your snuggle muscles so it would be a good time to get up and play a game of hide and seek to loosen back up a bit. While playing the game, why not listen to a beautiful song with the same name? The slow melodic tune will encourage you to really take your time searching your home for the person you've been snuggling. When you finally do spot your partner, rather than shouting, "I see you!" as standard hide and seek rules dictate, you should instead snuggle them and return to the place of snuggling you had just left

6. Arcade Fire, "Suburban War"

Presumably by now you have found your lover and ready to begin snuggling again. This is where things start to get real. Most of this song is at a mellow pace, heavy with instrumentals, perfect for snuggling. At three minutes and 19 seconds into the song, however, there is a dramatic shift signaled by the heavy beat of the bass drum. This is when you must rise from your snuggling station and begin pounding your chest with the rhythm of the beat. This will demonstrate not only the power and endurance of your snuggling muscles but that you are also able to keep a rhythm. Be sure to have your eyes locked with theirs during this entire period or you will have failed entirely.

7. Goo Goo Dolls, "Iris"

One of Nostradamus' most specific predictions before his death in 1566 was that "in the year 1998 a band with a particularly silly sounding name will release one of the most beautiful songs in all of history, and I should know, I'm Nostradamus." This turned out to be the only one of his predictions that was completely true rather than vague descriptions of things that could happen anywhere at anytime.

That song, which you know by now because you read it in the header, was "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. This song was so beautiful and momentous, that when it was first performed live, Joseph Stalin rose from the grave and shed a single tear before being pulled screaming back to hell for the rest of his infinite torture. That Stalin could temporarily escape hell implies that even the Devil himself was so affected by this song that he didn't notice when one of the worst dictators in history managed to escape. So if your lover doesn't enjoy this song, they are worse than Joseph Stalin and the Devil.

8. Jose Gonzales, "Heartbeats"

This song is on the list for two reasons. Firstly, Jose Gonzales has the voice of an angel, and I am not exaggerating. When God was reaching into the Tupperware container that holds the voices of all future humans, some Heaven dust got into his eyes and he accidentally pulled a voice from the angel Tupperware.

It is because of God's glorious mistake that Jose Gonzales must only sing with such a restrained voice, for if he were to unleash its true potential it would cave in the skulls of anyone within a ten mile radius. Not surprisingly, he is an orphan and no longer has siblings. But he continues to quietly use his gift because he is well aware that it inspires the need for snuggling in people who otherwise would reject snuggling.

Secondly, I chose this song for its symbolism. Valentine's Day is generally symbolized by hearts and this song is called "Heartbeats," so duh. I should probably also mention it's a cover of "Heartbeats" by a Swedish electronic music duo called The Knife. By all means, do not listen to the original song. There is a chance you will never want to snuggle again. The original version of the song was actually made more popular after the angelic Jose Gonzales covered it, and for good reason. I've heard rumors that the C.I.A. uses the original version to torture information out of detainees, and usually they start spilling information less than halfway through the song.

9. Bon Iver, "Blood Bank"

This song begins with a haunting yet still snuggle encouraging melody. It's so haunting that they may have had in-studio ghosts help to record the first 30 seconds with their eerie wails of unfounded revenge. Perhaps that is why you should expect your lover to snuggle ever tighter to your body. Thanks, ghosts! The tone does get lighter toward the middle of the song, but for the life of me I honestly couldn't tell you what this song is about. Bon Iver often writes cryptic songs that rely on his beautiful voice to be enjoyable, which they always are.

I actually only included this song again because of the title. I figured Valentine's Day is symbolized by hearts, hearts are known for beating (refer to entry eight) and what do hearts pump when they beat? Blood, of course! It's that red stuff inside you that keeps you alive, but is actually blue until exposed to oxygen which is why your veins are greenish and not reddish. Anatomy! So of course I had to include a song that is not only beautiful, but is about an entire bank full of blood! The stuff of life!

10. Slayer, "Raining Blood"

Based on the last two entries, you had to see this coming. If hearts represent love, but are also full of blood, why not rob a "Blood Bank" (get it, because of nine) and then make it rain blood all over your lover? What better way is there to cap off a beautiful night of snuggling with your snuggler in your snuggle-zone, than by tearing open bags of blood and pouring them into an enormous fan painted upward so that it is literally raining the stuff of life down upon your partner?

Oh, I forgot to mention that before your date you should get an enormous metal fan, like the kind they use to clear nauseous fumes out of a room with, and have it pointed upwards in preparation. Your partner will appreciate that you took the time to be so well prepared.

So that's it, lovebirds. If your date isn't disgusted by you before the night is over, then keep this playlist somewhere safe so you can set the mood and get some of that sweet, sweet snuggling.