Sometimes you just really, really, really want to insult someone but the pure goodness of your heart keeps you from doing it in any obvious way. But they are still annoying you. Amiright?
Well, fear not! For I bringeth to thy table a slew of Shakespearean insults that will not only insult the person you are talking to, but also confuse them in the process! And isn't that the dream?
So read on, my friends, and let thine inner shade flyeth out from thy lips!
1. For that person you just wish would go away:
"I do desire that we may be better strangers." - As You Like It
Let's be honest; you know exactly the person I am talking about. So, during your next four-hour conversation about nothing, throw this lyrical beauty their way, turn around, and walk off. It works like a charm!
2. For when someone just needs a reality check:
"Thou lump of foul deformity" - Richard III
This one may seem a bit rude to just casually toss into a conversation, but it sounds so pretty coming from your mouth, they may not even know they were just insulted!
3. For that person who talks just a BIT too much
"I leave thy vain bibble-babble" - Twelfth Night
Ok, let's get real: you really just want to say "bibble-babble" in a normal conversation.
4. For when you need a savage way to end an argument:
"More of your conversation would infect my brain" - Coriolanus
This phrase is best paired with a swift stomp in the other direction. Just walk away. No explanation needed.
5. For the person whose bark is WAY worse than their bite:
"Foul spoken coward, that thund'rest with thy tongue, and with thy weapon nothing dares perform" - Titus Andronicus
This one is a bit of a mouthful, but it is totally worth it. And there also may be some classic Shakespearian sex jokes in there, too. Fun, fun.
6. For when you really don't want to be that subtle with your shade:
"If I were like thee, I would throw away myself" - Timon of Athens
If you say this in conversation, some stuff might go down. But sometimes that one person just does not pick up on subtleties well and so you may need to break out the big guns.
7. For when you really just want to punch someone but you have #class:
"I'll beat thee, but I should infect my hands" - Timon of Athens
There are some days when you feel like you should get an award for going the whole time without committing homicide. So, if you need a little help with your restraint, spit this little number at the person of your choice and let them know just how sophisticated and classy you are. #Queen
8. For when you really just want to straight insult someone:
"You should be women and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so." - Macbeth
Sometimes you just want to toss a low blow out at somebody. This is that. Use it wisely, my friends.
9. For the one who is always "mansplaining" your life away:
"Four of his five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man governed with one." - Much Ado About Nothing
'Nuff said.
10. And finally: cruelty in its most poetic form:
"Where will thou find a cavern dark enough to mask thy monstrous visage?" - Julius Caesar
Save this for your worst enemy, friends. With great sass comes great responsibility.
You are now armed with all the shade you need to go out and slay the world with your mastery over the English language. No go forth and be thy fabulous self.
