My father is known by many names; Dickie Bird, Chard, Yates. We mostly call him dad. Most of my friends know him as a perpetual punch line except he’s never the brunt of the joke. He is also known for saying one particular phrase over and over again. The above picture should be a good indication of what that saying is. This is man who made (not allowed, he physically sat me down and had me watch them) his 9 year old son watch “Midnight Run,” “Get Shorty,” and “My Cousin Vinny.” This is the same man who was then baffled by his child’s vulgar choice of vocabulary. To his credit my father works hard to provide for our family. That being said there are just some things we cannot over look. Some things that are only amazing considering his reserved and subtle nature. Two sentences are a full conversation for my father.

1. You Guys Suck

Picture this: A grown man with a mustache and goatee, sipping apple juice out of a rocks glass as if it were Gentleman Jack, wearing a child sized jeff cap because he kids dictated he would, all while playing a Nintendo 64. Now our father can be pretty awesome when he wants, but my brother and I clearly underestimated his ability to play Mario Kart and Goldeneye (the original). We thought for sure we had him. Well after he made a sinfully embarrassing mockery of us all he had to say was “You guys suck. I’m gonna go have a smoke.”

2. Strapper

My father and his sister love to call people strapper. For those of you who do not know that word I will explain; jerkoff. It is more or less interchangeable save for the fact that it is less offensive in the same way frig is used in the place of another profanity. His boss is a strapper, his kids are strappers, sometimes inanimate objects are strappers. Once our cat was a strapper but that didn’t last long.

3. My Ex-Girlfriend

Being a man of few words you would be hard pressed to find a friend or significant other we have brought into our house that our father ever commented on. Except for one of my ex-girlfriends. He gave his sign of approval, or at least we think he did. One night over desert her turned to me and spoke; “She brought over apricot cookies. I like apricot.” Thanks, I guess that’s a good sign.

4. Sausage

So, the words “culinary masterpiece” are used in a very liberal sense in our house. It may refer to some dish that it took my mother and brother hours to prepare. It may refer to bacon wrapped sausage that was dredged in onion ring batter and deep fried. I typically use it in reference to things such as the latter example.

My brother and I were creating the aforementioned meat monstrosity when my parents walked into the kitchen. In an attempt to be the caring husband my father lectured us on how unhealthy and repulsive our actions were. My mom left the room. No sooner does she make it upstairs and our dad says to us “Did you save me one?” No, dad, we didn’t. Not after that show. You may win the award for caring husband (and maybe an Emmy), but it came at the sacrifice of the awesome dad award. We gave him one anyway just to rat him out to our mother. Like he always says, we are strapper kids.

5. Ice Cube

The classic stick an ice cube down someone’s shirt prank. Funny. Except for when your brother does it to your father and it runs right down his back and into his pants. And then he pulls it out and drops it in your brothers glass right as he is about to take a sip. He never even broke stride or stopped to make a comment.

6. Church Talk

The semester when my brother studied abroad in Rome coincided with the time my mother spent in rehab after a double knee replacement. During that time it was just my father and me. We didn’t speak much but when we did it was typically crude and mildly inappropriate. Point in case: we were in church one night (that really makes what was said all the more offensive). The conversation went like this (names have been changed):

Dad: Here comes Al.

Me: What an asshole.

Dad: Eh, f*ck him.

Me: Yeah f*ck that guy.

We are respectable church going people.

7. Cotton Ball

Very few things unnerve my father. I once saw him impale a mouse in the back alley with a screwdriver and fling it back off as if it was nothing. All the same one day he asked me to get him a cotton ball. He then tore said cotton ball in half and asked if it made my blood run cold because it sure did for him. No, dad, it didn’t. To be fair cotton balls make my blood run cold without having to be cleft in twain.

8. Death Race

Way back in 1976 an arcade game was released named Death Race. It was based on a cult movie of the same name. The original title for the game was Pedestrian. In it you have to run over “gremlins,” except the gremlins are supposed to be people and in the movie extra points were awarded for elderly folks. Unsurprisingly this game and movie were a favorite of my father and his friends in their youth. Why I mention all of this is because I can never forget the day my father was teaching my older brother how to drive. I was in the back seat and we were at a red light. An old woman with a walker was crossing the street and my dad just said “Hit her, 70 points. Death Race 2000.”

9. Spare Ribs

Every person has a decidedly terrible event in their life. A low point. But the kind of low point that their friends and family never let them forget. My dad is well aware of this event in his life. If you mention ribs, grilling, barbeque, oranges, or my aunts neighbor in Ocean City this story is inevitably told. It would be sacrilegious not to. Part of the reason is my father has his own grilling story that we heard way too many times, so we were hell bent on replacing it with his greatest failure ever.

My father takes pride in his grilling and even more so in his ribs. It is literally a 5 part process to prepare them. I just like eating them. But the point is he takes better care of his ribs than his children sometimes. So my aunt’s neighbor challenged him to a rib off one year. This fateful day will live in infamy. In the end my father’s were more tender, succulent, and had all around better texture. One glaring issue however; he decided to get fancy and add an extra ingredient. That ingredient? Orange essence, and a lot of it. If you just threw up a bit in your mouth, do it again and you still won’t understand even half of how terrible it was. But of course it gets worse. Their smug neighbor technically won and we had to listen to him gloat. Thanks dad. Way to go.

10. Red Rider

Few things move my father. Even fewer things can keep him awake in front of the television after 9. In fact that list is reserved for exactly three titles; “The Godfather,” “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” (and only New Jersey, he won’t settle for New York), and “A Christmas Story.” Ignoring the unforgivable transgression in the middle there, the latter is most important to this story. You have to understand when it comes time to buy my father a present there are only two suggestions; Jack Daniels and Marlboro. In his defense it is not always those things specifically but things under the giant umbrella that is their brand. Sometimes it is a frame filled with all the different Jack Daniels labels, which is best enjoyed while sipping on the actual whiskey.

One year however I wanted to find him something unique and fun. So I bought him “an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” I had to pay extra for the period correct box from the movie but it was totally worth it. I waited till all the presents were opened that Christmas morning and I hid it in the corner, just like in the movie. Then I pulled out the surprise last gift. It was glorious watching him cock the lever. I was too afraid to give him any actually BB’s to fire so I waited a whole other year for that. When I finally did they were metal.

My father is an interesting man and a fan favorite among my friends for his quirky antics and straightforward answers. He’s also a loving father and husband, and a good chef if you leave him away from concentrated oranges.