As an extreme meme lover, I even have to admit that the memes about being absolutely PUMPED for Christmas are becoming a little redundant. Every time I log onto twitter or Instagram I see a meme about how the day after Halloween commemorates the start of Christmas time. But uhm aren’t we forgetting something?? Something about giving thanks?? Oh yeaaaaa that holiday where we celebrate the day that sealed the unfortunate fate of the Native Americans. Okay, I will avoid this controversial topic, and instead let’s evaluate the odd creatures that come out of all us during this appreciative holiday. I bring to you the 10 kinds of people you will experience during Thanksgiving.
1. The overly stressed parent cooking everything
I don’t know how much cleaner I can make this stupid pot mom!!! The person in charge of Thanksgiving dinner is understandably undergoing a lot of stress, but if you are the child of this person, then that stress is inflicted upon you. It’s only 9 AM and my mom’s managed to have 10 mental breakdowns. Bitch why.
2. The newly Gluten-free betch
This person seems to take the cake for obnoxious guest. Yes, Karen we know you got into cross-fit last June and that this is a “life-style change", but who are we kidding, we all know you’ll be guzzling down the ciabatta by Christmas. This bougie betch is the propeller of every eye roll of the evening. No Karen, butter does not contain gluten.
3. The socially awkward cousin
We all try to pry out a conversation with you, but honestly every moment of this conversation is just one giant cringe. I’d genuinely rather listen to Trump say “STAMINA” for five hours than talk to this avocado pit of a person. I mean avocados are great to eat, but you just throw the pit away. *shakes fist* Please just stop being a pit!!!
4. Drunk Aunt
Put. Down. The. Wine. After you reach for the fourth glass, we all start to get a bit concerned. I get it though. I mean you’re reaching the point in life where wine is about 1 of the 3 things that you actually get joy out of. But please, when you get drunk you turn into a bit of an Amy Schumer. Ya know, the overly-loud woman who tends to think her jokes are an entire universe funnier than they are. Lay off the fermented grapes pls.
5. The College Homie
Nervous laughter is the most critical part of this interaction. Why did I think bringing 1 out of my 3 college friends home with me was a good idea?! If my dad’s jokes weren’t bad enough, my little brother’s JuJu on that beat interpretation will definitely scare them away :( RIP2myfriendship.
6. The randos
No one knows why you’re here, where you came from, or what we did to deserve this. Sure we all feel like we did something nice by taking you in for the evening, but if you are eating some of the food then you have to start talking to avocado pit.
7. The kid going through their awkward phase.
Dear Lord bless this kids soul. You can’t even sit at the table without looking like you’re at a pool party and just got your period. An “it hurts to live” expression is permanently stapled to that disproportionate face of yours and every time you talk we all panic a little not knowing if this could get any worse. Just five more minutes and then you can expel your teen angst on Tumblr. Turkey ~vibezzz~
8. The person that takes Thanksgiving way too effing seriously.
We all know this person a little too well. You know, you’re all chilling at the table enjoying some gravy and green beans and this betch is tryna get all sentimental and talk about why we are all blessed. Excuse me, but could you please save this emotional soliloquy for a time, when I don’t know, I’m not forced to sit and listen to it. Thanks.
9. The person who never knows when to stop eaten
Damnnnnnnnnnnnn son!!! I mean I’m no one to talk, I can scarf down a bag of hot cheetohs in under 10 minutes, but 4 servings of turkey?! But just know, I am onto you. I know you’re just avoiding the responsibility of talking to Karen about her shoulder press routine and vegan shakes.
10. The family dog
Thanksgiving is LIT for this lil fella. Lisa we know you’re trying, but every damn year your fruitcake tastes of your 3 year divorce tears and desperation. Good thing every golden retriever loves the taste of hopelessness!!!
Happy Thanksgiving!! In all seriousness, Thanksgiving is a wonderful opportunity to spend quality time with loved-ones and remember how blessed we all truly are <3. Hope I still have friends after writing this.
