1. People who are habitually fifteen minutes late.
I'm serious, you guys. If you don't have time management skills I just can't trust your judgment. Being late all of the time is unacceptable. You need to work on this before I give you your voting privileges back.
2. People who insist on eating outside at restaurants even though it's 100 degrees.
You are low key the worst at decision making. I can't eat when the sun is literally blistering my skin and it's too hot to breathe. I shudder to think of your rationale for picking a leader.
3. People who drive slowly in the fast lane and don't move over a lane even though I'm going faster than you.
You just need to have more respect for people. I can't trust you to pick the best person for this country if you behave like this.
4. People who think they're too cool or busy for social media.
I know you're all creeping in the shadows. I'm a busy adult, too, and it only takes three minutes to catch up on your accounts. I promise you aren't too cool for three minutes of your day. But if you think you're above it, then you must also be above voting so I'm taking that away from you.
5. People who post spoilers.
Just stop. You're ruining everyone's day. If you can't keep things to yourself, you are too much of a loose cannon and cannot take responsibility for voting.
6. People who get mad when people post spoilers.
You know it's going to happen, so stop whining. Whiners don't get to vote.
7. People who take forever to order in the drive-thru.
You have been to McDonald's at least 100 times in your life, so you should have a general idea of what you want. You're too indecisive to enter a voting precinct and the reason people are stuck in line after hours. YOU are the reason we have to wait so long to call the winner. No more!
8. People who have not seen The Lion King.
You just cannot participate in politics if you haven't watched the "Be Prepared" sequence.
9. People who insist they can't watch scary movies.
Not only do I not trust you to vote, I don't trust you to handle living in the United States. The stuff that happens here is way scarier than the stuff that happens in horror movies.
10. People who tell me that doughnuts are unhealthy.
You are the worst kind of person in the world. I KNOW, OKAY? Stop pointing it out and let me enjoy my delicious pastry. You're too annoying to be able to vote.
Obviously I'm joking. I actually want all of you to vote. It's your civic duty, so you better be out there in November!