Thanksgiving is the most American holiday, besides the Fourth of July. I mean the whole day is dedicated to family and food. To quote American hero Linda Belcher: "Everyone's thankin'. The whole world's thankin' you. Thankin' us for thankin' you." Without further ado, here's a definitive ranking of the most prominent Thanksgiving foods.

10. Ham

Nothing against ham. Just the principle. It's Thanksgiving and it's not time to be the weird alternative family on the block.

9. Cranberries

Look at it. What the hell is it? Why is it a jelly? Why is it canned? Who eats this voluntarily? How do you eat it? If I have this many questions about a dish, it's probably a bad sign.

8. Green Bean Casserole

You take the one healthy thing on the menu and makes it a fatty mess. Maybe it's because I'm not from a small Midwestern town, but I don't even know what a casserole entails besides a gross-sounding name.

7. Stuffing

It's bread soaked in meat juice. Yeah that sounds gross now that I've put it into words, but just roll with it. You stick vegetables and other toppings and it's practically a meal on its own.

6. Turkey

Listen, why do we let chicken be the most popular poultry? Turkey is exponentially more delicious and I say it's an abomination we make the most American bird, besides the bald eagle, only part of our lives once a year. Ben Franklin didn't die for this tragedy. Let's end this.

5. Biscuits

Biscuits and most bread products aren't side thoughts, they're a way of life. They're also incredibly versatile. Ate too much fat and need something to settle your stomach? Biscuit. Impromptu sandwich? Biscuit. Need something to mop up gravy? Biscuit. Your family member is asking you too many questions about your future and need to throw something at them? Biscuit.

4. Mashed Potatoes

It's pretty hard to not like potatoes. Especially in an easily consumable form. There is nothing wrong or more pure than a gravy-filled cloud that can also be molded into a volcano.

3. Sweet Potatoes

Ok it's potatoes, but Fall-themed with marshmallows. How many times a year can you eat marshmallows for dinner while people still thinking you're mentally stable and civilized? Once, that's what. Take advantage of it, people.

2. Apple Pie

Ain't nothing more American than apple pie. Except free refills. And flags on the moon. And not being sure if you heard gunshots or fireworks. And Black Friday shopping.

1. Pumpkin Pie

This is it. The top of the top. Nothing screams "Thanksgiving" quite like pumpkin pie. "But Louisa," you say, "I don't even like pie!" Sounds like a personal problem I cannot relate to. Pie is the cornerstone of American civilization and Thanksgiving should honor that. Embrace the artifical squash dessert.