Growing up a natural blonde, I suffered a serious identity crisis in my early middle school years when my once super-light hair started to darken. I like to think of my childhood as my "platinum years" which then faded into my "golden years." Many girls fight this natural change in melanin levels by bleaching, dyeing, or highlighting their hair. I've never done that, but it doesn't mean I haven't googled "how to naturally lighten blonde hair with no chemicals" before. I too have fallen prey to what I have dubbed "The Blonde Problem": the inexplicable desire for all natural blondes to be more blonde, even when their hair looks light enough to everyone else. As all blondes know, you can never be blonde enough.
So, here we go: the many stages of realizing you suffer from The Blonde Problem, in order:
1. You were born with platinum hair, and it stayed that way for a few gorgeous years.
It was beautiful. You look back on baby photos in awe at the fairy-like quality of your hair. On one hand, you totally wish it still looked like that now, but on the other, you realize it takes a very specific kind of person to still be able to pull off those white gold locks.
2. When you were a kid, you couldn't care less about your hair color.
Grown-ups would play with your hair and compliment how pretty it was, but none of that mattered to you. It was just hair on your head, right? It wasn't going anywhere, and the thought that it might disappear in a few short years never occurred to you. Maybe you even kept it at a super-short length (like I did, foolish me), thinking it was too much trouble to grow it out.
3. Now, you'd do anything for golden Rapunzel tresses.
If the fact that Rapunzel has shimmery, straight, super-long blonde hair is more appealing to you than the idea of marrying Flynn Ryder, you may be suffering from The Blonde Problem. Not only does growing your hair out long take for-freaking-ever, but by the time your summery highlights have made a substantial change in your long hair's appearance, suddenly fall is coming, and with it the impending darkening.
4. Most people don't understand why it matters so much to you.
Your well-meaning friends and family (probably beautiful brunettes or redheads without a care in the hair world) insist that your hair is light enough, and that you should shut up about "how dark it looks today." As you massage lemon juice into your scalp at the beach, your friends may turn away in embarrassment or take a couple snapchats just to prove how "insane" you are. It's okay. You're used to most people not understanding your struggle.
5.But then there's every other blonde. Are they blonder than I am? Do they dye it? Is it natural? What is the meaning of it all??
Assessing the pigmentation of another girl's hair and trying to determine whether it's closer to an ashy blonde or a honey blonde is a skill most blondes perfect, whether they mean to or not. We can't help it. It's like noticing if somebody is taller than you. And even though we try to stick to the blonde code of honor and be supportive of one another, sometimes it's hard not to feel pious when you discover that girl with the amazingly light hair actually gets it professionally dyed. We'll tell you it looks pretty, because it does, but dyed blondes are a different brand of blonde entirely.
6. Your haircuts are can be a nightmare that goes beyond achieving the perfect length.
Personally, whenever I get my hair cut and blown out I feel like it looks four shades lighter. Something about the heat and the shiny styling oils makes me feel as blonde as I do mid-July. But for some blondes I know, getting a haircut can mean cutting off tips that are naturally lighter than the rest of your hair, or getting bangs that actually make the hair around your face look more brown than normal. Side note: a common actual nightmare for blondes is waking up with dark hair that changes the way your whole face looks, and not in a good way.
7. You know why you should NEVER tell a blonde her hair looks darker than normal.
While this may seem like a casual observation to you, or a simple sign that December is here, and hey, look, your hair changes color like the leaves on a tree, and isn't that wonderful?, this tends to spark an existential crisis of sorts in most blondes. Who am I, if not a girl with blonde hair? A blonde's entire existence has been built upon her hair color. All the stereotypes, all the blonde jokes, all the expectations of stupidity we've had to defy, have made us who we are. And you just took that away. Nice going.
8. You may think anyone who hates on you for being obsessed with your hair is just jealous. (You may be right)
Why else would women dye their hair again and again to find that perfect honey shade? There's a lot of good things to be said for being a blonde, otherwise we wouldn't like it so much. There's no better feeling than being told by a hairdresser that you have a color other women would kill to have. So it's no surprise that there are an abundance of wrongful blonde tropes, jokes at our expense, and prejudices against women with blonde hair as being ditzy, vain, or "too girly." Trust us: we're much more diverse than that. The only thing we've got in common is our blondeness, and even then we've each got our own shade.
9. Realizing you'll never be blonde enough for yourself is difficult.
There will always be a photo with weird lighting where your hair looks more sandy colored than usual. There will always be a girl with hair that is lighter than yours, naturally. There will always be a time when someone asks you if you get it dyed, or if you're thinking of touching up your highlights soon (ew shut up). But for every dark picture, there will be one where the sun is shining on your head and you look like an angel with a halo. That girl with super blonde hair will compliment the many tones in yours. And that same jerk who assumed you dye your hair will become your new BFF when they learn it's natural and "can't believe it oh wow it's so pretty."
10. So hey, lighten up!
It's true that being blonde is a fundamental part of who you are. But don't waste your time worrying about whether your hair is getting darker or if actually getting highlights makes you a pretender. Doesn't everyone always say that blondes have more fun, anyway? Smile, flip your hair back, and prove them right.
