There’s always that one relative you see during the holidays who feels the need to point out your glaringly obvious lack of a significant other. They ask something along the lines of “Why are you still single?/Are you dating anyone?” as if you weren’t already more than aware of the fact that you are single.
I think it’s time to fight back against this rude invasion of our pathetic private lives. I say that instead of just giving in and answering, “No, not right now,” it’s time we take a stand and tell some filthy lies.
When you lie about why you’re single or whether you have a significant other, you have to do it in a way that completely annihilates the conversation and ensures that no further questions about the subject are asked. Ideally, you want to make the other person feel as uncomfortable as possible in order to force a complete subject change.
Here are some ideas to help you answer that condescending and slightly offensive question.
1. Tragically, he couldn’t be here today because he passed away in a car accident.
Pulling the “tragic death” card might be slightly overdoing it, but your interrogator will most likely want to change the subject ASAP so this response is somewhat in bad taste but very effective.
2. He is actually building schools in (insert foreign country here) for children.
Turn the tables and make your relative feel inferior. They were sitting there thinking about calling you out for being single, and little did they know that you were actually dating a philanthropist.
3. Well, it turns out that he’s married.
Guaranteed to change the subject.
4. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m ugly.
Short and to-the-point. Your relative won’t know whether to laugh or feel bad for asking you the question.
5. It’s just that I have way too many suitors and find it difficult to choose just one.
Most likely response: “How difficult for you.”
6. Oh, he’s sitting right next to me. You can’t see him?
*Relative nods uncomfortably and excuses themselves to get more mashed potatoes*
7. Oh, you know? I’m dating one of the Kennedy's…and he obviously couldn’t be here today because he had to save America with politics and whatnot.
This one is tricky. Depending on how convincing you are, the relative will either laugh or be extremely jealous and bitter.
8. I’m actually in a committed relationship with pizza, and I feel that dating a human would be unfaithful of me.
Relative will most likely understand and respect this choice. It is a noble one.
9. I’m trying to marry for money, and there’s nobody I know who is rich enough yet.
Response will be either a look of disgust or blank stare.
10. I still haven’t found anyone who deserves me.
Relative-in-question will immediately wish they hadn’t started talking to you and assume that you are superficial and pretentious and will hopefully move on to talk to someone else.
