These things ALWAYS start the same damn way: "Oh hey, next week you'll be stuffing turkey into your mouth, but did you know you need to be thankful for what you have?"
Yes. Yes, we do. No doubt.
But seeing as you should be thankful every day, why not allow for some other methods in celebrating the Hour of the Gobble (my new name for Thanksgiving, as I feel it encapsulates the day far better) and make the day much more colorful than sitting around in a turtleneck, rubbing your stomach because cranberry sauce is weirdly addicting but strangely awful yet kind of tasty so like, you just keep eating it?
Anyway! I've devised ten alternative methods for you to celebrate next Thursday. None of them are illegal per say.
10. Find out what the fuck a cornucopia actually is
Why such a wonderfully eloquent name for a...horn made of straw, or whatever? Where does it come from? Are its roots Roman, or ancient European? Is it a new invention? Or were they used for something else way back in the day, like did Egyptians use these things to hold spices and other goods? Did we take it from an old German fairy tale and make it a real thing, like the red stapler or the Charlie Brown Christmas tree? Who knows! I've heard many a scholar use it to describe their favorite foreign art house flick. Go figure that shit out.
9. Dress up as Santa
Take heed from JC Penny's. Those fools bring holiday cheer early. Why not outdo them? You can even put a twist on it. Wouldn't Santa look badass in a golden robe? A choker with a small pentagram carved on it? Hallowed Old Saint Nicodemus. Hehe. If this country wants to jumpstart Christmas early, then go the extra mile. Merge both holidays, like Spock merging his human and Vulcan side. Because we're human beings, we have infinite potential, dammit!
8. Dress up as a turkey as part of a staged tragicomedy exploring what it's like to have your species ritualistically devoured by bloodthirsty Americans!
Who knows? It could be the next Macbeth. Or Coriolanus, for that matter. Why has no one plumbed into this narrative richness? It's a tale that's practically ingrained into the bloody annals of human history, all with an innocuous spin. Any of you specializing in dramatic writing, I'm willing to give you a co-writer's credit and some of the leftover lasagna my grandma makes.
7. Cook at a homeless shelter blocks away from the Macy's Day Parade and ignore the goddamn thing
No, I'm serious, you can actually do this one! I used to do it all the time in my youth. It's somewhere on 34th street - the details elude me - but there is nothing quite like cooking for those who don't have access to sumptuous meals like the rest of us. Isn't the most rewarding thing about the holidays the capacity and push for goodness? Do it. Giving someone just one beautiful, solitary day can make all the difference in the world.
6. Challenge your grandmother to solitaire and WIN
She's gone unchallenged for far too long. You know what, Vita? This is a free country. I've been content to sit in second, never honing my solitaire skills out of respect, but nothing lasts forever. You hear me, grandma? Nothing lasts forever!
5. Bring attention to the recent administrative action that allows elephant trophies into the US
Because seriously, what the fuck? Every time I make an article where I want to focus on something other than this Pompei of a White House we've got, it forces its hand. Very well, then! Trophy hunting is nothing but a game of insecurity and masculine fragility. If you support it, you support endangered animals being picked off due to the whims of some man-child. A horrible trade, isn't it?
4. Slather yourself in gravy
What? People dress up as Santa and deliver presents all the time. But we can't attempt to inhibit the existence of our most celebrated November icon? For shame. We owe it to all the gobble gobbles. Plus, it's always a bonus to stumble upon renewable energy. Why burn coal to keep yourself warm when you've got a warm, coveted substance lying in your fridge, ready to be coated in?
3. Find alternatives to turkey alternatives
My fellow vegetarians - and vegans and pescetarians - you guys ever have tofurkey? That shit is lackluster, and I mean seriously. Maybe it's because turkey is incredibly bland but oddly prevalent. It's like the Matt Damon of food. And fake sausage and barley burgers are wonderful, so maybe if you make a turkey out of that? Instead of a turducken, you can get some seitan and wheat and other stuff? Yeah, that might be tasty. Cook it in cashew milk, throw some scallions and olive oil and cover it in peanut butter? I don't know, I assume that's how cooking is done.
2. Actually read those think pieces on being thankful that just put your aunt and uncle to tears on Facebook
...if so you have something to talk about with them over the dinner table. That dog seeing its owner after a year or something won't critically and thematically evaluate its own structure, will it? Put that brain to use, and engage in some social media discourse.
1. Donate to a Native American charity
You didn't think I'd leave this one out, did you? Hey, if we're gonna pretend this holiday didn't begin with slaughtering Native peoples, then you might as well act like you actually give a hoot about them.