"I'm just trying to figure out how I got this way, how…how I became a person that avoids healthy relationships. And I've never given it a second thought until - "
"Until me and Ryan."
There is only silence as Olivia nods her reply, equal parts ashamed and hurting. Her saving grace is that she doesn't need to explain this to her sister, because it's hard enough living with these feelings without having to say them.
Taking Sarah's hand, Ollie tells her softly, "You and I…I always thought we had the same outlook on guys, but you never really did, did you?
Sarah waits, not sure what to say. "I never consciously thought about it. It didn't bother me, Ollie, and it shouldn't bother you."
"It never really did until I realized how serious you and Ryan were."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Because you found someone who mattered enough to you to stop what we've always done!"
"You'll find that, too!"
"How? How is that ever going to happen?"
Sarah watches Olivia, confused, but before she can try to find the right words, a noise behind them breaks their bubble. They're reminded that they're not alone when they turn to see Meredith's face at the door, calming and loving. When Sarah takes her sister's hand and leads them both to her, Meredith doesn't hesitate to pull them suffocatingly close. Sarah makes a noise in protest after a few seconds, giving her mom a smirk before pulling away so she can focus on Olivia. She is patient and solid, letting Olivia let out her grief for as long as she needs.
"You know," she begins softly, "I think I've taken for granted how well adjusted you've always been since you came to me. But as you're getting older, you have questions about things that go beyond family relationships. And I don't have all the answers, and you have every right to be curious, and angry, and scared, but don't be bitter. It makes you miss out on things, and Olivia, you've never missed out on anything. You've always been my brave girl, don't let this one stumble change that. Whether you're meant to find someone to be with forever, whether you marry them or not, or even if you find a few serious loves in your lifetime, don't define what's right or acceptable with comparison. You've never walked through life this way, and it's never steered you wrong."
It doesn't solve any of her issues, and it takes some time before Olivia stops doubting all of her actions, but she finds her footing in the words that are only reassuring because they come from her mom.
………
The front door slamming downstairs puts Jane is a panic for a split second. It's still habited to get rid of what's on her computer screen, except now she doesn't rush to do it. She finds herself doing this anyway because whoever is coming up the stairs was stomping, and stomping quickly. Jane jumps when her door flies open and collides with the wall.
"What, Jane, did you think I wouldn't find out?" Sarah yells, coming at her. "That I wouldn't figure it out?"
"What are you talking about?" Jane doesn't need to yell back because Sarah won't get out of her face.
"I'm talking about all the times Marcus called for me. Why didn't you say anything?" Sarah grabs her when she tries to get up.
"Why do you care so much, Sarah?" Jane yells now, pulling her arm away hard, but Sarah only tightens her grip. "Let go of me!"
"Why do you have to be so fucking selfish, Jane? Why can't you just grow up?"
"Why can't YOU just let it go?"
Sarah lets go of her arm and slaps her. Jane's hands fly to her face in shock. Sarah stumbles back, her mouth forming an 'o', her eyes just as round. Jane is the first to look away, but she hears Sarah leave. Her brain is empty as she finds her way to her bed, curling up and unable to cry. Sarah leaves her car in the driveway and starts walking. Her mind is exploding with a million things. Meredith, Marcus, Ryan, Amy, Austin, Jane, Olivia…
She finds herself still wandering after an hour, more hysterical than calm now. With nothing on her but just enough change to use payphone that is somehow still in service, she calls Amy, knowing she's only minutes away. Just as enough rings go by to make her panic and realize it's the middle of a workday for Amy. At the sound of Amy's voice, Sarah begins to crumble.
"Amy, I need you."
"Sarah, where are you?"
After barely getting out that she was nearby, Amy tells her she's leaving her office now. Not wanting to have a breakdown in public Sarah reigns her shit in until she makes it to Amy's. When she lets herself in she stands in the foyer, and lets it all catch up to her.
