Dear… friend,

I am beginning this letter referring to you as a friend because I want to make clear that there is no one I dislike enough to wish ill upon. We might have had our issues and frankly, they may have been primarily your doing, but genuinely, I can't think of a single person I would wish harm or unhappiness on. I'll admit, I believe in a just God- I've certainly thought "they'll get what's coming to them", but beyond that, nope we're good.

Upon reflection at a job in which I have plenty of time to reflect, I've thought of our troubles and my role in those troubles. I realized that I have many negative qualities that I've never tried to explore and change. I wholeheartedly believe in a person's heart having the ability to change. I also believe that it often begins with apologizing.

Friend, I want to first apologize for any sharp word I may have sent your direction. I try to hold my tongue, but I'm not always great at it. I want to apologize for being self-righteous. I struggle to let go of things and I've come to realize that it's because I feel like I would have never done whatever it was that I feel you've wrong me with.

Bullshit. I would have never done it now knowing how much it hurt, but mistakes happen, and I've most certainly done things that I won't ever do again. I want to apologize to the people who I never gave a fair chance.

Despite my being open-minded intellectually and politically, I struggle with giving second chances. At one point in my life, I was the person who 100% ghosted friends- but like, in real life. I wasn't mean about it.

I never ignored people, but you know that awkward conversation you have with your ex that you're still "friends" with? The one that goes, "hey how are ya?" "good" "that's nice"- that was me, but to friends randomly when I decided I didn't like something they did. I'm sorry to the people I buried in my mental health issues.

This one pertains to a very select few, but I think they would know who they are. That wasn't fair to you. At all. I'm sorry to the friends that I picked fights with. This last apology is something extremely new to me.

I only started picking true fights with people last year. I've realized, however, that I was trying to manifest the issue before it actually became one. I was so anxious my feelings would be hurt and you would be the one to do it that I created situations where you could in order to test you.

I think I did this with the friend ghosting before, but in those situations, I "saw" myself being hurt and decided to treat it like it had already happened versus trying to force it to happen by starting fights. I have many more things to apologize for, but I'll end it with this one, I'm sorry for being unable to grow with you.

The ending of this letter feels sad to me, but I've written it hundreds of times with what feels like hundreds of different names addressed. I think I've finally written the letter I needed to write.

I hope each one of you lives fulfilling and happy lives. I hope you might find it in your heart to let go of any ongoing mental arguments that you might be having against me while drifting off at work. Not that I think any of you are losing sleep over me, but if you are, I hope you rest well. I hope you know that you are forgiven in my eyes if, for whatever reason, you feel you need also to apologize.

Sincerely, Jamie

P.S. if you want to talk to me directly, please feel free to message me via my socials, text me, send messages through messenger pigeons- whatever you feel is appropriate.