“Killing myself."

“Kill yourself."

“I'm gonna shoot myself in the face."

“Go die."

Alright, I'll admit. I've said them all before, too. It was a joke, you might defend. Yeah, sure. It's a joke, but when was it ever funny? It wasn't. And with that being said, it was never really a joke to begin with.

Merriam-Webster defines “joke" as a thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, especially a story with a funny punchline. The day my mom sat on my bed and told me my cousin had committed suicide brought anything, but amusement and laughter. The punchline was not even close to funny.

Often times, these unconventional phrases slip out without the individual even considering what it truly means. I understand, because I was once the person who laughed and would mutter “killing myself" because I didn't want to go to dance practice or because I got a bad test grade. Before I continue, I want to make it clear that I understand. And because I understand, I want to make you understand as well.

December 16th, 2013 changed my life in countless ways. I was studying for finals. I was in my own world, generating complaint after complaint about my stress over the week before Christmas break. I was sitting in my bed when my mom walked in, especially late. Without looking up I demanded from her, “Where have you been?" When she sat down on my bed, I looked up to see tears flowing out of her eyes. I knew immediately something was terribly wrong.

She said, “It's Marty." I was too scared to ask what happened, but certainly did not expect what she said next. “He committed suicide," she stuttered. I was in disbelief. Shock. Heartache. I could not understand. I spent days sobbing uncontrollably and breaking down at random moments. My friends did not know how to respond or console me. I could not function.

Christmas was the least happy day of the year in my family, since just days before we had held a funeral for a man's life that had just barely begun. I sat on the couch in the funeral home and watched for eight hours as a never-ending line of friends, teachers, and acquaintances filed in with tear-streaked faces to say goodbye to the biggest heart they had ever known. It never will get easier and I will never understand why my cousin was in such pain that prompted him to do what he did. The holidays and birthdays and celebrations will never be the same without his smile and laughter and jokes.

Understanding the reality behind “jokes" such as “kill yourself" is hard, especially when it's a habit. But it became easy when I had to kneel over my cousin's casket knowing it would be the last time I would see him, after only eighteen short years we had spent together. What a price to pay to understand a joke.

I would never wish the pain that my family and the other families who have been affected by suicide have felt upon anyone else. I hope none of you will ever have to experience the heartache that quickly appeared in my life and will never truly go away. I hope, from my loss, that you will understand a little better.

It is not a joke. And never will be a joke. Be cautious of your words and use them wisely because others may be more affected by them than you think. Using phrases like “kill yourself" is a horrible habit. To you it might just be a slip of the tongue. But to me and other people affected by suicide, it's a pang to the heart. Break your hurtful habits before it's too late.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death among college students. If you know someone who is depressed or contemplating suicide, please tell a trusted person and find help immediately. I am sure no one would ever joke about a situation like that, would they?