You're Still Missed

It's been four years. Four whole years since I have heard your voice and laugh. Four years since I have seen your smile. Four years since I have had a conversation with you and felt you hug me. Four years since your mom called her best friend, my mom, to tell her the news. Four years since I was awakened by my parents. Four years since I had to go through my school day knowing that when it was over I wasn't going to your house to see you. Four years since I cried every time I tried to talk. Four years since I walked into your parents' house and saw them crying like I never have before. Four years since I was in a room full of your family members weeping and laughing while they chose pictures for your funeral. Four years since we sang "Here Comes The Sun" in the bedroom that used to be yours. Four years since I had to lie to your grandmother about where you were because her dementia prevented her from remembering your passing. Four years since your parents had to plan your funeral. Four years since we have had to accept that you were gone. It's been four years since the world became too much for you.

And you are still missed like hell.

You are missed constantly by those who loved you. I cannot speak for them but I can speak for myself and my pain. I still hurt. I hurt for you, I hurt for your family, I hurt for my loss, and I hurt with guilt because of the pain you felt on this earth. Your death changed me. It changed the way I view the world and the way I interact with others. In some ways, it made me cold and in other ways, it opened me up more fully to the goodness in the world.

I keep replaying the best memories I have of you in my head, you teaching me how to draw "Dragon Ball Z" or Chinese characters and dancing in your neighbor's garage, and I cry for those moments with you. You were an additional big brother and I loved you like a brother. You didn't judge me as I got older and started becoming the person I am today. You have left a permanent hole in my heart that will never be filled by anyone else. My heart still breaks when I think about the pain you must have been in.

I miss you. I miss you not being in St. Michael's flashing that smile around. I miss giving you crap about anything and everything I could think of. I miss having the most random conversations with you. I miss seeing you walk Isis around the neighborhood. I miss our families getting together. I miss hearing about your adventures, whether it was breaking your foot in a fight or going cold weather camping. I miss hearing about your plans to go to China. I miss everything you were and everything I think you could have been. I'm not the only one either. Every time I check your Facebook page someone new has made a post about how much they miss you. It is flooded with memories and pictures of you in all your glory. You left a dark spot in the world where your light used to shine so bright. I just wanted you to know that it has been four whole years without you.

And your smile, your voice, your laugh, your light, your joy, your life, YOU are still missed.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide please call 1-800-273-8255.