It was new. It was exciting. He was handsome, yet mysterious. Charming, yet complicated. The little voice in my head, that feeling in my gut, warned me to stay away.
I should have listened.
We were the same age in numbers, but not in maturity. He had bad habits and issues, but I supposed everyone did. It will be fine, right? I can help him. We can be happy together. But something inside me knew that this couldn't end well. Every instinct of mine told me to get out before I got any deeper.
I should have listened.
My friends kept trying to tell me that he was no good, that they hated how he treated me. They told me that I deserved better. They urged me to get out and to stand up for myself.
I should have listened.
How he was with other girls. How he flirted with them. How he touched them. And how he constantly ignored me or ditched me to be with them. My heart told me I needed to walk away.
I should have listened.
He knew how gullible I was. How caring I was. How it was easy to make me do what he wanted and to shut me up if I tried otherwise. But most importantly, he knew how much I believe in love and he used that against me. When he would do bad things and hurt me, he somehow twisted it to where I always ended up having to forgive him and drop it. I would even apologize for being upset, rather than him apologizing for his actions that made me feel this way. Deep down, I knew it was unhealthy.That love wasn't supposed to be this way. My heart begged me to open my eyes, and urged me to demand what I deserved.
I should have listened.
You see, I am a good listener. And a believer. But I was listening to and believing all the wrong things.
"I care about you" "I need you" "I love you" "Please don't leave" "Please come back" "I'll treat you right" etc, etc. I listened to him. I listened to him for way too long. The more I allowed myself to be treated so bad, the less I believed in the possibility of myself being loved the right way. It was a cycle, a vicious one, and it was tearing me apart inside.
But I was afraid. Afraid to leave him. Afraid to be alone. Afraid that this was the best "love" I was capable of receiving. Because it wasn't bad all the time, I truly believed he cared about me. And on went the cycle. However, I can't blame him for everything. Ultimately, the cycle went on because I allowed it to. Because I listened to him instead of myself.
My heart was telling me to leave him. I knew I should, my friends knew I should. Every instinct and gut feeling was telling me that I deserved better and that it was time to walk away. And, finally, even though it took all my strength to do it, I listened to my heart.
I listened.
I realized that someone who truly loved me would never be okay with treating me so poorly or making me feel as sad as he made me feel. I accepted that I couldn't change someone who didn't want to change.
And I LEFT his sorry ass!
And ever since that moment, I've never felt freer. I'm learning how to love myself again. And it's a wonderful experience.
My only regret is that I didn't stand up for myself sooner. But I learned a lot through this. I learned that I am strong. That I don't need a lame boy to make me happy. That I am worthy of a better love. That I have an amazing support system of friends and family who are always there for me with open arms. And most importantly, I learned that you NEED to listen to your gut instincts. If there are red flags early on, get out of that situation. Listen to your heart. That sounds cliche, I know, but it really is so important. Your heart knows what you need, even if it's not what you think you want. And the next time that voice inside me is trying to tell me something, I will listen.
