Complaining? Please. You should be grateful you have the right to complain. And because you have the right to complain, you shouldn't complain about anything.

So if you're complaining, shut up, snowflake! This is America, land of the free, where we have more freedom than any other country anywhere in the history of the world. And if you don't like it, you better move to Syria or Saudi Arabia and see what not having freedom is like.

I'm sick and tired of hearing all these whiny liberals complain about "rights" and "oppression." Fortunately for them, I, the genius solve-all conservative hero, have brought my simple, completely-not-privileged logic in to give them the solutions to all their stupid problems (and before you say it, I'm definitely not privileged, because I paid back every penny of the loan I took from my parents).

First off, you already have "rights." You have the right to exist, and you have the right to have a nice collection of guns, but that's where your rights end, according to the Constitution. And you should be happy about that because in Saudi Arabia you wouldn't even have the right to exist, and if you didn't exist, you wouldn't be complaining.

So yeah, you can't afford health insurance? That's not a right, that's a privilege. I said you have the right to exist, not the right to have a decent existence. Why should I, an American patriot, pay for another American's problems? Just don't get sick and your problem is solved. Because letting people die is what makes us a Christian nation. Obviously.

And, oh, yeah, what about women's rights? What about equal pay? Again, those aren't rights. Women should be glad they're not forced to cook all day at home like in the 1600s when the continent of America was formed. Actually, women have more rights than what's good for them. And if (according to REAL science) women came from a man's rib, then technically they should have the same rights as a rib. Which is nothing. So they should be glad they have more rights than a rib. We're being generous here-- take your 79 cents because at least you're allowed to leave your house without being stoned. Unlike Saudi Arabia.

And to all you people who don't look like you weren't born here but probably were, you're lucky you're even here. If you didn't have rights, you'd be in Saudi Arabia or wherever the hell you look like you came from. Actually, you don't even have the right to BE here because your ancestors didn't LITERALLY BUILD this country. See, the great American patriots'- and I mean TRUE American patriots' *cough*white*cough*- ancestors actually made America. It didn't even exist before they picked a spot in the ocean and decided to make it the great country YOU now live in. See, America was once its own continent, like Australia, but then Mexico came and stuck itself to us illegally. That's the difference. ILLEGALLY. And whatever they told you about Native Americans in school, it's all a lie because I say so.

Racism? Doesn't exist. Racism is a movie made in Hollywood that they should put on Netflix, but instead of putting it on Netflix, they put it on the news, like they did with the moon landing. None of that stuff actually happens. And if it does, they deserve it. It's their fault that they look like criminals. Just don't look like someone who would be discriminated against, and you won't be discriminated against. Dumb liberals!

Now you get all mad and run away to your safe spaces because I'm being "offensive." But you know what? I'm entitled to my facts. The liberal media says that real facts are facts, but in reality, the real facts are alternative facts. As an American, I have the right to my own facts. And see, I'm grateful for that because in any other country I'd be laughed at on my way out.

So now, you, the liberal, asks me why I'm comparing our great nation to countries like Saudi Arabia when I should be comparing it to the first world. But you just don't get it! Oh, your puny little logical liberal brain. The truth is, America is special. It really is- that's what makes it such a great place.

Because in America, we tell you to stand for the pledge or get out. We tell you to stop protesting or get out. We tell you to stop looking different from us or get out. That's because there's absolutely nothing wrong with America. We're perfect just the way we always were.

Unlike what your propaganda books say, our American history is perfect. Martin Luther King didn't need to march because at least he lived in America. Women didn't need to fight for the vote because at least they lived in America. In real alternative-fact-fact American history, none of these things happened because the only way to make America great is to keep it exactly the way it is.

And one day, years in the future, people are going to open their hologram newspapers and say... "No, these things are different. What does anyone have to complain about now? It's not like they live in Saudi Arabia."

-- John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States