You did not deserve to leave.

You did not deserve to leave.

To Colton and Collin who are watching over us.

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You were supposed to live until you were 90. We were supposed to take shots at each others weddings. To hold each others children. We were supposed to laugh at family barbeques together. Yet you left. You didn't mean to leave. You didn't purposely leave. But it was time for god to take you. But how come I never even got to say goodbye? When both your best friends pass away it leaves an empty pit in your heart. A void that can never be filled.

We were supposed to laugh and cry. We were supposed to go snowboarding one more time. We were supposed to go to the beach. We had these plans. Yet it never happened. This is not fair. It is not fair that I will never hear you both laugh. I will never sing in the car on the way home. I will never hear your voice again. I will never get my one last hug and goodbye.

I regret everything. I regret not reaching out sooner. I regret not saying sorry for not reaching out and making sure you knew I loved you. I regret not making plans before you died. I regret not making you two proud. I regret not saying goodbye.

I try so hard not to be filled with hatred and anger. But to be filled with joy and happiness. That I got to have the two best friends a girl could ask for. Colton you made me laugh for years. You brought me out of the darkest holes. You never hesitated to take my hand and pull me out of the sad state that I was in. You held me in some of my darkest days. You made sure I would smile before I closed my eyes at night. You made sure I was always on track with what I was doing. You made sure I was okay. I know everyday you make sure you are with me. You might not be here physically but you are here. Holding my hand through the darkest days, the saddest times, most importantly the happiest moments of my life. You are there.

Collin words will never describe my feelings for you. I never knew what love was until you came into my life. I never thought that you would be the one to go before me. I held onto hope that our time would've came. I know it was impossible but I hoped. I was more grateful of the relationship and bond we created the last 7 years. You made me feel beautiful in my ugliest moments. When I thought I shouldn't continue you gave me a reason to never give up. When I wanted to quit the military you said "That's how it will be for awhile and pushing through is worth it believe me." I will forever here your voice in the back of my head as I struggle. As times go by I miss you every day. I miss your voice, your hugs, your advice. I miss you Collin. You gave me hope every day. You helped me through the darkest of my days. You talked me down when I was crying because of a boy or because I missed my dad. You talked me through the school days when I couldn't walk down the hallway because of the anxiety. You helped me. I wish I could've helped you.

My heart breaks as I think of you. My heart breaks that you never got your chance. You deserved to change the world. You deserved that. But I am trying. I am trying to be half the people you two were. To be the strong people that you both were. To help others. To be kind and to be brave. I am trying to change the world because you did not get that chance. I am trying to be like you two. Collin you were brave you never let anything scare you. You never let anything get in your way. You told it how it was it didn't matter whose feelings got hurt, you told your opinion. Colton you had the kindest heart. You would help anyone in need . You did not mind to give that hug or lose your sleep if it meant your friends would be okay. I will try to be more like you two. To be kinder, stronger, braver and tougher. I wish the world got to know more of you two. That people got to meet you. I wish the world didn't lose two of the best people I ever met. I wish I didn't lose my two best friends it just is not fair.

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Summer In College Is For More Than Just Working

No, you're never to hold to have fun in the summer.

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There should never be an age where you stop having fun in the summer. The weather is nice, there are always things to do, and everyone is just naturally happier. So, regardless of whether you're 7 or 21, I'm talking to you.

During the year it can be hard to find a routine unless you are a very put together person. Sadly, I am not. Even when I tell myself I'm going to eat healthily, work out, and stop procrastinating, I usually don't follow through with that. At school, I find myself in somewhat of a constant catch-up mode. When I feel like I'm ahead on my homework or studying, that usually means I'm behind on being healthy in other aspects of my life. That is why I love summer. It's a chance to reset the clock for a second and catch your breath.

I get that having an internship or working is important for your post-graduation life, but having fun is important for your college years too. When you get a job in the real world, summer is going to look a lot different for you. That is why it's best to take advantage of the time now. This doesn't mean turning down that work experience, it means doing things other than just working.

First things first is finding a hobby you enjoy that you don't do at school. Pick it up for a little over the summer. Why not? For me, this is yoga. For whatever reason, I find myself too nervous to attend yoga classes at school. I have absolutely no reason to be anxious about doing something I like, but I am so I take the time to attend a few classes a week in the summer.

Secondly, try reading. Before you make that look of disgust on your face, think about the last time you read a book of your choosing. If it was recently, then kudos to you for managing your time well enough to do that. If you are not that person, then hello! I am talking to you. I am not a fan of reading because I usually associate it with homework. However, I find that when I have the time to browse the book section of a store for a few seconds, I find multiple books that jump out at me. During the summer I take the opportunity to read a little here and there. The nice part of leisure reading over school reading is that there's no deadline. You can read what you want when you want to.

Finally, learn something new. Again I usually associate learning with things that I am required to learn for my major. Learning something new that interests you is a different kind of rush. When I'm bored in class, I make bucket lists of little things I want to learn about. They can be big or small. One time I wanted to learn how to knit. Don't ask me why my 19-year-old self thought it would be sweet to sit on my porch in the summer knitting, but I did, and I'm kind of sad I didn't pursue that interest. When might I ever have time to learn how to knit again?

These might sound like quirky things to do, but you're young. Make a bucket list and try to cross one thing off each weekend. If you're like me, then you're a little scared of growing up. Scared you won't be able to accomplish all the things you want to. But, the fact of the matter is no one is going to make you accomplish them but you. So, take some initiative and do them. Summer is for more than just working; it's time to live a little and reset the clock.

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To My Oldest Brother Who Died Too Soon

I love & miss you a bunch.

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As of Feb 28, 2019, I lost one of the most important people in my life, my oldest brother.

I was so lucky to be able to spend 21 years of my life with you, you were the greatest! The way you always had a smile on your face no matter what the situation, your laugh, and smile were the best things to hear and see!

Two months ago on what seemed like any other day of my life..suddenly things changed things that will never be the same again. I lost you.

I have sat here every day since just asking the question, why? Why did it have to be like this? Why did god take you? Why just freaking why?! I don't know that I will ever understand why! I've never experienced this much heartache before. I've never felt so lost, I feel like I'm completely falling apart..everyone keeps telling me it gets better..yeah well when? I am not convinced it gets easier! I have never not been able to just call you and talk about my life or had you harass me for being still being single, I can just hear your voice saying "wow court you still don't have a boyfriend?" Or going to your house and you making me watch the worlds ugliest dog competitions and you saying "oh my that one is so cute!"

I made you a promise, I promised you that no matter what happens I won't give up, and I plan on keeping this promise to you forever! No matter how hard life gets I will push through and continue this journey for both of us. You were so happy for me the last time I saw you, you looked at me and said "Court you look amazing, I want you to promise me you will stick with it this time" and that is exactly what I plan on doing. I am going to continue to make you proud of me from above!

I am absolutely going insane without you, you might be gone, but I promise you that you will never be forgotten.

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