You Are Not His Mom…
Disclaimer: This article is written specifically for cisgender Male/Female relationships, analyzing the dynamics of common traits (and my personal experience). The sentiments expressed are in no way intended to discriminate or stereotype against any member of the LGBTQ+ Community.
“But he needs me….”
No He Doesn’t. He wants you. He’s using you. He’s transferring something onto you, but trust me, he doesn’t need you. Raised with a synthetic baby-doll in hand and ability to play “House” for hours on end, women are constantly told that they need to be nurturing. The “feminine” spirit is one of gentleness, nourishment, maturity, responsibility for others and strength. And it is, there is no denying that the average mother is the perfect embodiment of these traits.
But what happens when this compulsion to love and nurture is used against us?
Happy little girls grow up, and dating men becomes an option. The ideas from childhood carry on into the adult sphere, and in some ways, harm more than they help. Enter; the momma's boy, the needy man, the insecure narcissist, and the “Hero”. These are the men who have somehow miraculously grown into physical adults, but mentally are children.
And there we have it, the perfect recipe for an emotionally unstable pair. The woman, raised to take care of the child (no matter who it is) and the man, is more than happy to accept the kind love of this person who reminds them of a time when they were carefree and young.
Soon favors become obligations, emotional support becomes dependence, consideration becomes a tool for manipulation and woman finds herself raising a child instead of courting a husband.
Emotional dependency, on any side of the relationship, often comes from deeper problems, pervious experiences and fear. However, in the case of an emotionally dependent man- the problems are often heightened by the sympathy and maternal responsibility of the woman.
And no. I am not saying that women are naturally more “caring” or “loving”. I am saying that the ridiculous gender confines of our society have created a monster. Insecurity within relationships can come from many reasons, but in my experience, woman are less likely to notice these characteristics because they are told they need to act as though they are caretakers. The domestication of the average woman is a growing topic, a concept that is thankfully being scrutinized every day.
Women, remember, you are not his mother. You do not have to deal with tantrums, immaturity and inability to be self-aware. When you find yourself tending to his wounds in the way that a mother would, pause, and realize that this is not your job. You are not mean or evil for showing restraint and forcing a man to grow up.
We need to change the way that gender is positioned within society, and to an extent, the trend is changing. But remember, he doesn’t need you…he wants you. Sometimes children need to learn that in order to succeed they need to be alone…go your own way Momma, he’ll be fine.
