How to Write The Perfect Instagram Bio

How to Write The Perfect Instagram Bio

You've got to convince them you're insane but like in a quirky way.


Ah, yes. There is nothing more completely nerve-wracking than creating a bio for yourself on social media. Actually, biography writing, in general, is stressful. I once tried to write a report summarizing William Henry Harrison’s life accomplishments and ended up turning in a diorama of the part-time model part-time predator the Panthera Uncia, or as common people call it: The Snow Leopard. It was a wonderful diorama.

The highest form of art can sometimes be hard to achieve. I wouldn’t know that struggle, but I’ve heard it’s quite difficult for some people to summarize the very essence of your relatable yet just the right level of quirky self. Wow, trying that hard must be exhausting.

First off, keep it simple. The beautiful human brain shouldn’t work too hard to write a bio for social media. Let’s be real, why put thought into your bio if you don't put that much thought into what you post anyways. Did you think when you were tweeting about how Janice TOTALLY just dropped her apple in the toilet in front of all the roaches on the bathroom floor? Probably not. But to be fair, that's pretty embarrassing, Janice.

Creativity is always a lot easier when you’re breathing in that great ol' razzle dazzle of an element: oxygen. AKA, keep a notes section on any funny nonsensical sentence that pops up into that glorious, diamond studded brain of yours.

Here are some of the pieces in my notes that I have ready for the next time I want to spice up my Instagram bio.

-Oh wow, I just burped and it tasted like Olive Garden ™ breadsticks.

-People in giraffe onesies get hurt too.

-Campus safety, my roommate threatened to throw a sweet potato at me.

-I’m just a wooden (78% organic and biodegradable) spork.

-I’m chasing the myth of the “eternal homosexual.”

See, often the most random thoughts you have are the easiest way to define your level of insanity. I know this, we all know this. So stop telling people which institution you’re studying at. Stop telling people you’re single and ready to mingle with lightly salted Pringles. That’s hardly helpful.

Your bio should truly connect you with the person reading it. People look at my Instagram and see that “I feel like I’m in a poorly made indie film that had really good intentions and no follow through” and they instantly are hooked. This is Hollywood magic and each and every one of you should be halfway to the post office to send me individually wrapped chickpeas as a reward for this information.

You’re welcome.

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