Something I've struggled with my whole life is self-confidence. There are a lot of different things that it stemmed from, but one of the biggest factors is an event I've joked about with my friends a lot despite it being something I wrestled with for a very long time.
Here's what happened: It was my freshman year of college. I was at a party that I was invited to by one of the guys I had met in class. I showed up with some of my teammates and guys immediately flocked to talk to them. I found my friend and we talked for most of the night. Later that night, his roommate walked by, asking for his key fob to get back to the dorm. We were introduced and then what happened next has stuck with me ever since.
He pulled my friend aside to talk to him privately but because he may or may not have had too many drinks that night, it was definitely not a whisper. He asked my friend if he was trying to get with me and my friend replied, "No, she's just a friend." Little did I know the next words the roommate would speak would stick with me for 5 years after that moment.
"Okay good, dude, because she's like...a 4".
I wish I could say that I just let this comment slide and moved on, but honestly, I clung to this way longer than I should have.
I became so self conscious after this point. I filled my head with toxic thoughts. I thought to myself, "so this is why guys don't talk to me. It's because I'm a 4". In high school, I was always the girl that guys talked to just to see if I'd set them up with my best friend. One of my guy friends even commented one day and said, "It's hard to be the ugly friend huh? I feel your pain." The ugly friend? When did I become the ugly friend? I mean sure I was always the girl that guys overlooked or was "outshined" by my friend group, but I wouldn't have considered myself the ugly friend.
The more I let these thoughts haunt me, the more my self-confidence sunk. Whenever my friends would gush about how a guy "slid in her DMs", or this guy talked to her in class and asked her out, etc., I never really had anything to contribute to these conversations. I would just jokingly say it was fine, I know I'm the ugly friend, I know I'm a 4. But the more I joked about it, the more I realized how detrimental negative self talk really was.
I dated a couple of guys after those moments and while I was in those relationships, my confidence went up. I felt valued and for the first time--I felt pretty. Then I was hit with getting cheated on. The first 2 guys I dated in college both cheated on me. Immediately, negative thoughts filled my mind, and I began blaming myself for their cheating. Thoughts of, "maybe if I was prettier they wouldn't have cheated," or "I'm always going to be the girl that people date until they find something better". I became so worried about being 'out of someone's league' and that the guy's friends would tell them that they could do better than me.
Nights of crying and venting to my friends became a regular thing, but I just felt that they couldn't understand because they never went through it. They always had guys' attention. They would always console me, saying things like "Amanda, you're not a 4," to which I would always reply, "you're my friend, you're obligated to say that." I wanted a guy to tell me that. Negative self-image also impacted the way I took compliments. I never believed anyone's positive comments and always felt that they were just saying those things to make me feel better.
Here's where my problem was. I found my worth and my validation in these relationships. I rooted my perception of myself in what guys thought of me and said about me instead of how God sees me.
God claims me as:
LOVED, CHOSEN, COMPLETE, REDEEMED, WONDERFULLY MADE, RADIANT, and DELIGHTED IN. And that has got to be enough for me. I am not supposed to measure myself based on earthly standards but what the Lord says of me. The song Reckless Love by Cory Asbury says, "When I felt no worth, you paid it all for me". So on the days that I feel unworthy of love from this earth, I can find rest in His sacrifice.
While I can't say that this isn't something I no longer struggle with, I've found peace in knowing that I am a child of a king who was wonderfully crafted in his image.
Jesus, I just thank you that my worth is not based on a number, but on what you did for me on the cross. And while these guys may not have seen my worth, you thought I was worth dying for.
