Emotions are high during a fight; your adrenaline rushes and heart races. To top it off, everyone is participating in a screaming match, trying to out voice the other. As a child of divorce, and as just someone's child in general, I've seen many fights occur in front of me. From an observational standpoint and from my own experiences as a participant in a fight, I realize that everyone's biggest regret is saying something they don't mean.
"I hate you," "I never want to see you again," commonly used phrases by yours truly when I was an emo teenager. I once carved my stepdad's name and the phrase "I hate you" into the carpet of our house at the time. Yes, I was a troubled child (I promise I'm better now) but when we fought we both said things we didn't mean.
I never hated him neither did I never wanted to see him again, I just said it out of spite and they were my feelings at the time, that's why they felt so real.
Nonetheless, my stepdad is my family and it doesn't matter how much he wanted to get rid of me, we had to make amends. I consider myself lucky because in all reality, who would ever speak to a horrible person like my younger self ever again? Not me.
However, the things we say during a fight, whether we mean it or not can cause long-term problems. Sometimes saying things you don't mean can crush confidence, damage trust, and in the process of fighting you lose yourself. By losing yourself, I mean you say things you'd never say on a daily basis to one another, and we do this just so we can get the upper hand in an argument.
All couples fight for various reasons. Being best friends, we know who they are. We know which buttons to push to get them mad or sad, and other emotions that come into play in an argument.
I'm a prideful person overall, I stand my ground in an argument and would say anything in order to "win." Except, I shouldn't be trying to win in the first place. My real goal is to solve an issue with my partner but because I said something with the intent of hurting him, the chances to make amends has now decreased.
"I didn't mean what I said" is not a good enough excuse, how will they actually know if that is the truth. Our actions speak louder than words, and what he saw, was me yelling at the top of my lungs telling him how much I regretted the first day we met.
The case is, even if I really didn't mean it I already said it with so much emotion. He's going to remember it in the back of his mind like everything else I had already said to him. He's going to bring it up in our next fight because he never really forgot about it. I'm not blaming him, I'd do the exact same.
Things said by people closest to us hurt the most because we do value their thoughts and opinions. It's hard to back down, I get it. Backing down doesn't always mean you're weak. Backing down is a mature act portraying that you want to fix things, therefore you are being cautious of the things you say and do.
Remember that words hurt. If you need a reminder, think back to your childhood days to when a bully had said something mean to you or about you. Those emotions of sadness are real, you feel less of a person, so why are we saying mean things to people that we love when we don't even mean it at all in the first place?
Next time you have an argument with someone close to you, just take a step back, breathe before you say something you're going to regret.
