Winter Ideas for the Undesirable

• Finally ran out of hot chocolate packets? Looking for some other way to spend countless evenings forlornly looking outside at the frigidly unapproachable weather? Text ‘finally green’ to 000-000-0000 and we’ll bring nature to you; receive a freshly raked, dusty, cracked leaf for ONLY $1!
  • This offer will only be available during the months of December and January. If you order now, you could even get 50% off this AMAZING deal! *
  • Other uses for this product include:
    • Glue that sucker onto your computer; winter isn’t here unless you say it’s here! (as a bonus, we’ll even send caterpillars**)
    • An organic fan to fashionably waft your pheromones across the universe (nobody can resist the smell of pure nature)
    • Handmade shovel; Scoop the snow out your driveway one leaf at a time! (after all, slow and steady wins the race, right?)
    • Get two heavy books and press the hell out of that leaf! (who knows? Maybe one day, you’ll even get the chance to show your great-great-great-great-great-great grandkids what a leaf used to look like, right after you invest in a deep freezer, of course)
    • If all else fails… slap the leaf! (sometimes all you need is a good outlet to express your post-finals frustration)
    • *plus, shipping and handling with the completely nonnegotiable price of $1,000,000 for each leaf ordered.
    • **caterpillars cost an extra $1
• Come up with solutions on how to finally use the miscellaneous information gained in high school and relate it to reality
  • Go over past English notes.
    • Everything was a lie.
    • Paragraph formatting does NOT need to follow the one intro, three body paragraph, one conclusion format.
    • Paragraphs do NOT need to be a page long…or just three sentences.
    • What is the actual purpose of a thesis formatting tool?
  • Go over past ‘general science’ notes.
    • Sure, the Calvin cycle, cellular respiration, might seem interesting…but the real question becomes, will you ever hear about the cellular processes again after said classes?
    • Realize that there is a logical reason behind most stuff…
  • Go over past mathematical equations.
    • While you’re figuring out what ‘x’ is, try to understand what ‘x’ really is, what is the meaning of ‘x’, and if everyone has their own versions of ‘x’, then is it possible to find ‘x’ or is it just a metaphorical foreshadowing of how one constantly tries to find ‘x’ in their lives? And if they do, would that just be a false ‘x’? or a true ‘x’? Is ‘x’ just an illusion?
    • Think long and hard about the quadratic equation. (wonder why the equation is still readily available in your mind after countless years of denying the usefulness of said equation)
    • Did ‘My Dear Aunt Sally’ ever prove to be "dear" or was she more like, "Oh dear?" Maybe she was a "deer" named Aunt Sally, or what if Aunt Sally was like a "deer?"
    • What tangible or intangible impact in memorizing the unit circle really offer you?
  • Go over history notes
    • This depends entirely on whether you possess the power to read your own handwriting…
    • That aside, take time to wonder if you ever will feel the need to recall the first name of the 13^th U.S president during your work hours, or any other hours, and then wonder if every time you hear the name, you think of the duck, instead. (Unless, of course, your coworker has a knack of whipping out a deck of trivia cards…)