I had secrets. I had this massive treasure chest I carried around inside my heart every day. Inside that box were secrets of pain and shame, of bulimia and cutting, of abuse and mistakes. I hated that chest of secrets. I wanted, desperately to open it up. To out myself and say, "Hey! Come look! Look at what's going on, see me!" I wanted desperately for my pain to be acknowledged. To be seen. That way, my chest of shame might not be as heavy.

In the book of Judges a guy named Gideon tested God. Long story short: he was like, "Hey God, if you can perform this miracle, then I'll do that thing." And that's kind of what I used to do. I would be during praise and worship time at church. They would be singing a powerful song that struck a chord in my heart and I'd start crying. That treasure chest becoming unbearably heavy. I was tired and weak. I was ready to tell. So I would stand there, sobbing my eyes out in the dark, loud room and BEG God for an opportunity to tell. I'd say, "God, if someone comes up to me and asks me if I'm okay or if they can pray with me within the next 5 minutes, I'll tell." And sometimes, after that 5 minutes had passed, I'd say, "Please God! 5 more minutes." But it never happened. God didn't work within my time frame and so my treasure chest remained inside my heart.

I carried my treasure chest of pain and shame until it nearly killed me. Until I was faced with a cross road in life that said, "I cant carry this anymore. Either I'll tell, or I'll kill myself. I cant live like this anymore." So, one night, I got high with a friend from rehab (lol kind of ironic huh?) Anyways, I was super stoned. So stoned that I lost the physical and mental ability to hold anything back. So I told. I don't even think I cried. I just said it. I just opened my chest and showed my friend. "Look what happened."

And I was right. All those years in church, praying for God to let me tell? To give me the chance to share my treasure chest of pain with another human being? I was right; it was the first step in healing. You can't heal in the dark. You first must step into the light and tell. And if you have to get a little high to tell, then so be it. (Not recommended, but understood.)

Since that day, I no longer have the ability to hide. I don't have the luxury of keeping secrets anymore. Hiding who you are is comfortable. You just have to sit in your little comfort zone, clinging to you treasure chest for dear life. But that's the thing, there is no life within a comfort zone. TELLING is painful and scary and freeing and beautiful.TELLING is the only true way to live life.

So please, if you're still clinging to your chest, I recommend, no...I URGE you to TELL.You have to talk about it or it will always control you. You can't heal in the dark, in the secrets. So come on, join me. Grab my hand and step into the brilliant sunshine with me. I promise, you wont regret it.