Often times I find myself reading an article that I know, just from the title, that I won't agree with what's being said. I read the article, debate with myself in my head, and move on. Unfortunately, a few weeks ago, I found myself unable to do this with a certain article regarding marriage and the tradition of asking for the father's blessing.
The article was titled, "If he asks your father before he asks you, you shouldn't be marrying him". I found this not only offensive, but disrespectful. I believe that the fiance-to-be should always ask for a blessing from the father of his girlfriend.
It was stated that the tradition for "asking for permission" came from the times were women were viewed as property to be transferred from the father to the husband upon marriage. While this is true, it is obviously not the reason that so many self-respecting men chose to continue the tradition. First of all, I believe that the permission part of it is more often said as asking for a blessing in today's time. Everyone knows that if a man and a woman love each other enough and feel in their hearts that getting married is the right thing to do, they will do it, regardless of what other people think. This is why I do believe that asking for a blessing is more for the couple to know from that point whether the father of the woman to be engaged will be supportive of a man's decision to ask for her hand in marriage.
The father will, of course, then tell the mother and they will, more often than not, feel the same way on that situation and be able to jointly support or not support the wedding of the couple. So, in asking for the father's blessing, it is more about ensuring the support of the couple to be able to be wed and to be able to survive a marriage of such. I also feel that if a man honestly views his asking of your father's blessing as a transfer of goods from one person to another, then you definitely should not be in a relationship with him, as he does not view you as a woman to be his equal in life.
Now, for the matter of respect. Asking for the father's blessing does not have anything to do with whether or not he respects his significant other. It is not saying that he respects the opinion of the parents more than he does his girlfriend's. Chances are that is he is manning up to ask the second biggest question of his life, then the couple has already had some sort of conversation of marriage. Most of the couples that I know had already picked out a ring before he asked her father. It was something that was discussed beforehand that the couple had to come to some agreements or compromises for.
Whether it be when the right time would be, maybe she wants to wait until she's out of school or until they as a couple are more financially stable, or maybe they had to discuss beforehand the importance of marriage to one another, such as one of them being religious and wanting a Church wedding and the other being fine with just signing the papers in the Courthouse. Whatever the case may be, the discussion of marriage, when it should be, and how was more than likely discussed around the point in the relationship when the subject of children came up and again, when one of them started dropping hints that the timing may be soon.
As for me, I would never in a million years marry someone who did not ask for my father's blessing before he asked for my hand. If you are not man enough to stand in front of my father and tell him that you want to spend the rest of your life making me happy, then you are not man enough to deal with me for the rest of your life. My father means the world and more to me. He has enlisted certain expectations as to what a man should do in a relationship, especially as it gets serious, that I refuse to be lax on. The discussion of marriage can be broached, the ring can be picked before-hand, I do not care.
All I ask is that the man that I am spending the rest of my life with respect my father enough to let him know his intentions and to ask for his blessing in doing so. If my relationship gets serious enough for marriage to be in the future of it, I can guarantee that my father has spent enough time with him that he knows my boyfriend's intentions. My father would never keep me from being happy and if marrying a man who asks for his blessing ensures that I will be happy for the rest of my days, I know he'll give every ounce of blessing he can, I am his only daughter after all.
All in all, it comes down to respect and intention. To respect a man enough to allow him to not be blindsided by the fact that his daughter will no longer carry his last name is the greatest respect you can offer him. To allow him to play a part on the preparing to pop the question, it would be one of the happiest moments of his life. Men, respect your woman enough to show her parents respect. Man up and ask for that blessing. I promise it's not the wrong thing to do.
