“You shouldn’t wear makeup - girls shouldn’t need it to feel pretty.”
“You know, if you lost a little weight, you’d look more feminine.”
“Your mom cooks dinner for your family? That’s so backwards. Women should be out there in the real world.”
Women should, women should not. I’ve heard all these things time and time again from the people I never thought I’d hear them from - feminists. Well, to be clear, self-proclaimed feminists, because if your thoughts start with “women should” or “women should not?" You. Are. Not. A. Feminist.
Although my beliefs as a feminist are a central part of who I am today, I have not always identified as one for a variety of reasons. Growing up, I was surrounded by many women who proudly proclaimed to be feminists. My mother, at the time, did not identify as a feminist purely because she did not know what feminism meant, and often associated it with hating men, burning bras, unshaved armpits... you get the picture. Although we both have a new appreciation for feminism now, this initial aversion was due to the fact that the feminists in my life were often white women who would come into our home and insult our lifestyle, cultural practices and beliefs. My mother is a woman who, by her own choice, pursued both a successful career in pharmacy and the challenging process of raising children with my father. Our culture, while fairly supportive of women having jobs, places a large value for women being the center and life of a family and home. Thus, my mother, while working hard outside of the home, also found it personally important that she cook dinner for us every night. No one ever told her, “You should cook dinner for the family,” but she willingly took on the task. I learned the word ‘feminist’ by association with a family friend (whose identity I will keep anonymous) who was also the first person to call my family’s lifestyle ‘backwards.’ Since then, she has often insulted my weight and use of makeup as things ‘women should not’ have or use. Since then, many women in my life, including friends and family, have been doubtful and unfairly critical when I share how many complicated shades there are to the experiences I have. So, for many years, I ignorantly thought that feminism involved telling me that I A) Couldn’t wear makeup, B) Shouldn’t be chubby because that’s not feminine, and C) Should see the world like a white woman.
You can see why I might have been slightly turned off by feminism - or, more specifically, why I was turned off by my perception of it.
My views of feminism really started to changed when I discovered intersectional feminism, a school of thought which better fits my own experiences as a woman of color. By attempting to understand the many complicated facets of experience and layers of oppression which women of color face, intersectional feminism was my first step to healing my relationship with feminism in general.
The question now is, am I feminist? Have I finally come around? Yes, without a doubt - but I am a feminist who will always share and validate the experiences which women of color face everyday in the workplace, at home, and with other women. I am a feminist who will tell them it is never right for white feminists to assume their experiences are everyone’s experiences. And, above all, I am a feminist who wears size ‘L’ t-shirts and bold, red lipstick with pride.
