In faith, we all have something that we struggle with. For me, that is trusting God. Trusting that He will provide. Trusting Him with my future. Trusting that He will come through for me. I've thought long and hard about this as to possible reasons why, and to be honest, I'm still not sure. I know that I am very Type-A, someone who likes to be in control and get things done my way. I'm also a first-born and the only daughter so I'm used to getting my way.

My dad is the best. He works hard to provide for me and my brother in more ways than just finances. Yes, he is able to send us off to private colleges. Yes, we also grew up in private schools. But he is also there to provide us with emotional and spiritual support. He gives the best hugs. They're warm and cuddly and strong at the same time. He is sarcastic, but funny. He likes to joke a lot and his dad jokes aren't always the best, but they're dad jokes for a reason. He encourages me to pursue whatever I set my mind to. He is my biggest supporter when it comes to traveling as we both share a love of adventure. We also both get bored easily and want to see as much as we can in the world. He was onboard with my major change even though my whole college career was set on my dream of becoming a journalist. He praises my accomplishments and shares in my excitement of getting a good grade. He picks me up when I'm down, giving me the reassurance that I need to hear.

Sometimes, though, he is the voice of reason. My dad is a realist to the max. He is pragmatic, analytical, resourceful, and brutally honest at times. He doesn't shy away from reality but tells it as it is. I don't like it when he does this, even though I need to hear it and be aware of it. If I had my way, my head would be in the clouds and reality would match it.

However, God is the same way. He says no. He says maybe and then makes me wait. He praises my accomplishments and shares in my excitement about life and adventure. He is my biggest supporter and always wants what is best for me, just like my dad.

Last week I went home and my dad and I had a tough conversation about what might happen in the future. In this time of uncertainty, he asked me, "Have I ever not come through for you?" I was in a bad mood and wanted to find an excuse, but I couldn't. My stubborn heart softened and I shook my head. My dad has always come through for me. He hasn't let me down in major ways (obviously he's not perfect). So then, why can't I apply this same principle to my God? Why is that every time uncertainty pops up, I shy away and wonder "Will you come through for me this time?" My track record indicates yes. Again, obviously sometimes He says no and maybe that's what I'm afraid of. But in terms of life and death on the importance scale, He's come through in the major areas. Yet, I fall into this trap each and every time.

I don't have any solid conclusion for this nor do I have a sense of closure. I know that it gets better when I focus on Him, give it to Him (after wrestling with it for a while), and it's a waiting game. In the midst of the waiting game all I can do is well...wait. I can remind myself of what He has done and hold onto the belief that He does want to come through for me. Maybe it's not my definition of what I want, but it is the definition that somehow, it is good for me.