I started singing as soon as I could talk. I started writing songs as soon as I learned how to form sentences. So why would I stop singing publicly before the age of 8 and keep this passion of mine a secret?
Secrecy kept me safe. Hiding my voice also kept me safe.
While I wasn't singing, I was following in my guardians footsteps. I developed anorexia as a young child, and also showed obvious signs of hyper sexuality that later turned into a full on sex addiction. I became an alcoholic by the age of 14. This lifestyle was normal for me, because my body and mind had been so abused. I thought my behavior was normal.
I never knew how much I'd miss being able to sing, and how much not singing would affect me.
After being in an abusive partnership, I decided that enough was enough. I entered into treatment and got completely sober. I made a few lifestyle changes, started practicing my craft again, and kept a huge distance between myself and my guardians.
Now that I'm back to my old self, my true self, and a part of me I haven't felt since I was a baby- life is easy. Of course it's not a cakewalk, but I can easily find a sense of peace within the chaos. That's all I really need.
I've enjoyed watching my piano and singing practice progress as time goes by. If you look up my name, Lex Morrigan, and check out my original song called "The Time", you can see how angry my lyrics are as I awakened to my traumatic past, and how in this song, "Fighters", I am understanding my keyboard more, trying to control my voice more, messing up my own lyrics with a smile and accepting my imperfections. I also am writing about myself as a survivor and others like me who walk the path of safety and health in recovery.
I'm going to keep practicing this song, and eventually share it at an open mic nearby. It'll be my first time singing for anyone outside of my family. I have to admit that I'm very nervous, after having my voice be in the dark for so long.
Starting a YouTube channel and being a part of The Odyssey Music, Festivals & Concerts Coverage was the first step in regaining my voice, this next step on my journey should be terrifyingly fun. I almost had a panic attack sharing my voice with a few strangers on YouTube. I was still drinking at the time and dealing with some serious issues I was still unaware of, and I thought that getting drunk would help calm my nerves.
Drinking most definitely did not help me. It was the most hindering thing I could do, but I was still stuck in a bad cycle. A few months after my first video, I finished outpatient treatment and had no problem giving up what was once so important to me. My whole identity had been about being a party animal for so long. It wasn't until I remembered that God made me to be more than a person who has no passion and drinks their life away, in a self made solitary confinement.
With all of my Yoga, and reading about God, Im finally understanding what it all means. Im finally living truly in God's light. And because of that, I've got my voice back. And I'm not giving it up or hiding it for anyone or anything. Not again.