Right now, the most insanely terrifying thought that could run through my head is having to graduate college. College is “a stepping stone into adulthood” according to many of our elders. If you ask me, college is a complete free-for-all. I can (basically) do whatever I want here and not have to answer to anyone, not have to worry about what my boss might think of my actions, or how I’m going to pay rent (thanks, Mom). I have absolutely no idea how I’ll ever be able to leave this place and start my life in the real world, with real responsibilities, and real world problems. I know I can’t be alone here right? Here are just some of the many reasons I am one hundred percent not ready to tackle adulthood.

Finding a real people job

Oh, so you mean voluntarily participating in research studies for $20 doesn’t count as a real job? God, I can barely find the remote to my TV most nights, how the hell am I going to find a job? Working 9-5 sounds like the most miserable thing anyone could put themselves through. On top of that, having to use public transportation to get to and from NYC, I could never imagine how people commute day after day to a job that they hate; yet somehow so many people do it daily. Somehow, every single time I get on a train the most obnoxious human being sits down next to me. I’ll be sitting by myself minding my own business, and all of a sudden, a middle-aged woman will sit next to me and start telling me how her daughter is pregnant with the ice cream man’s child. I have no idea how I am going to deal with that on a daily basis.

Perfecting your resume

Hey I know what this one is! "Resume"—that’s the button that appears on Netflix after my lazy ass has been watching "How I Met Your Mother" for two hours straight. (Barney’s Bro Tips are educational, right?) Don’t worry mom, I got this one handled. Halfway through my college career, I can hit that resume button faster than 90 percent of the people in this country (proven fact).

Cooking for myself

Listen, I think that I’m a culinary genius when I manage to correctly make a piece of grilled chicken with some veggies. I don’t really understand how adults host dinner parties—let me just invite 20 other people over so you can all sample my culinary expertise. Are you kidding? If you’re ever lucky enough to be invited to my home in the for dinner, expect me to throw a bowl of Lucky Charms in front of you, only the marshmallows though, bam! I should basically be a top chef. Actually, maybe I’ll just hire one of the Teen Top Chefs and she can cook us a four-course meal in her Easy Bake Oven.

So I can’t get drunk on a Tuesday?

One of the best things about life at college is being able to come home and crack open a beer with my roommates after a long day (two hours of class). I can sit on my couch and bitch about how hard my life is and how difficult it is to be a college student (not). The best part? Not having to hear my mother tell me that I’m becoming an “alcoholic.” Sorry, mother, but there is no such thing as an alcoholic in college. I’d rather call that stocking up on the drinks I won’t be able to have in a few years when I have real responsibilities. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go drown my #FirstWorldProblems with a Four Loko.

My Sleep Schedule

My current sleep schedule is one similar to a sloth in heat. Once I get into my bed, I’m not going anywhere fast. Sleeping till 2 p.m. is apparently frowned upon in the adult world. That doesn’t really work for me. I need approximately 48 hours of sleep to be awake for six hours. I also don’t really take well to being woken up; there is actually nothing I hate more. Is the house on fire? Did you just make me a five-course breakfast? Is there a man outside with a large check offering me $1 million? If not, stay out of my room. Seriously, if you wake me up in the morning, you better have Bieber and like 14 hip-hop dancers serenading me with “Sorry,” or you’ll be sorry.

Bills, Bills, Bills

As I mentioned before, I am very lucky to live off campus and have my parents pay my rent along with all of my utilities every month. Did I mention they pay for my food? How I’m going to afford all of these things on my own is beyond me. Unfortunately, being a pale, freckled, redhead working the streets doesn’t really seem like an option for me. My roommate suggested having a shirt made that says “~Exotic~” to increase my chances—I’ll look into it. Actually, I have the perfect plan. I’m going to head over to Costco, collect all of the empty cardboard boxes they have lying around and create the world’s biggest shantytown to live in. No bills, and I can park my house right outside of Whole Foods. Convenience my friends, convenience.

I think the worst part of becoming an adult is that there are so many people my age that are so excited to get older they forget to live in the moment and enjoy the experiences being thrown at us now. Why has it become so common for kids my age to desperately want children? Kids. That might actually be the worst part of this entire article. My phone dies three times a day, I can’t even keep that sh*t alive, and it's permanently attached to my hand. How on Earth am I going to care for a child? The thought of this is making me viciously nauseous. If you’ll excuse me, there’s a "Teen Mom" marathon on, and it looks like I could use some tips.