As the winter approaches, temperatures drop and precipitation falls, an influx of geese by numbers beyond belief flood Ann Arbor’s very own University of Michigan. Elementary school lessons of birds’ annual migration to the south for the colder temperatures obviously didn't include those from Canada!
Ugh — how could one forget about THE Canadian Goose?
They’re terrifying. They’re so tall, and they’ll stop at nothing. Not even for the Ubers on State Street. They trek in flocks, boys and girls alike. There’s the occasional red, blue, green or grey goose, but the majority of them are the black, fur-hooded parka. Emphasis on the black fur hood, because the Snapchat selfie is complete only when the hood peaks over the camera.
The red, blue and white circular emblem doesn’t help much either, for it makes it even more impossible to differentiate between the geese. If you’re lucky, you will be looking for someone wearing a red or grey goose, but there’s usually only one per flock.
These geese plan for their seasonal flock before winter even starts. In fact, the planning begins during the springtime, when newly committed college students ask their temporary college friends what winter apparel they’re buying for the tundra: Canada Goose? Moncler? Sorrel? LL Bean?
It’s all a mystery until you breathe a sigh of relief when your social media feed shows a plethora of girls in the same jacket that you have. I, too, am guilty of being a goose, though I am first breaking mine out now, the opposite of others who, when the temperature drops below 60 degrees, break theirs out from the back of the closet and celebrate the beginning of the season.
Now more than ever, parents are thankful for the geese. The trend that they set and standard that they hold ensure any mother that her child will be more than willing to bundle up for temperatures below zero in order to avoid the plague, something that not even University Health Services, the most trusted medical facility in all of Ann Arbor, can cure.
The one problem, though, is that the geese are always stolen by others who are certain that the one they picked up was theirs. The solution, of course, is to get yours monogramed! What could be better than one’s initials, in any color, on the inside of his or her coat? NOTHING. Such embroidery is guaranteed to prevent stealing.
The geese rely on their prey for their survival, but that is never a problem, for the majority of the 50,000 students here at the U of M are from California, Florida, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York and Michigan, of course. A combination of such perfect territorial prey is sure to keep the economic and social integrity of the brand. If not, though, celebrities such as Jimmy Fallon and Emma Stone are almost certain to advertise just enough to make you prey too.
There is absolutely no doubt that the Canadian goose does just its job: to have all $900+ dollars of the world’s best insulator trap the heat on the walk to Angel Hall.
With such prestige, it’s understandable why one cannot resist buying THE Canada Goose. All arguments about animal cruelty are obsolete because Canada Goose “believe[s] all animals are entitled to humane treatment in life and death, an are deeply committed to the responsible use and ethical sourcing of all animal materials in [their] products.” Gee(se), thanks!
Whether a Michigan Wolverine by summer or a Canada Goose by winter, it’s always great to be. Go blue, go Goose.