Warning! Schoolgirl rant moment: Anyone who knows me knows who I have a massive crush on. I am a Libra, and I just can’t help but take the chance that someone I tell might tell my crush (so that I don’t have to). So far, that hasn’t happened. And all though the people I trust haven’t spilled the beans yet, I am always pushed into conversations like, “Just tell him!” and, “What the hell are you waiting for?!” and always, “Life is too short! If you wait for the right time, there will never be a right time!” But let me explain…
I am terrified. Not only of rejection, but also of the thought of loving someone other than myself in an intimate way. For 21 years, I have held the receipt to my own body. No one has touched my body; no one has claimed me as their own. I have never held the hand of my admirer; I have never been kissed, snuggled, or hugged in any other way than a platonic “There, there now.” I have owned my body for far too long.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to think about someone other than myself, and my own goals in life. To have every decision you make effect your life and your partner’s life? And then there’s the fact that I have spent so long getting to know my own self, and now I need to put the time into getting to know this other, living, breathing, thinking, human being.
And this human has needs: carnal, wired, needs. Things that I just can’t provide right now. And I wouldn’t ever want to stand in the way of their goals in life, and their wishes and dreams. And of course I would work with them to make their dreams come true to my best ability. But to know they think of me in the same way I think about them, I can’t accept it. Because if he does in fact feel the same, then I have to share my body, and furthermore, I have to take part ownership of his. I have only ever been responsible for my own faulty flabs.
Some days I pump myself up with false hope that I will get enough courage to just tell him and hope he reciprocates. And other days I question whether I need someone right now. With everything else I have going on in my life, do I really need to bring someone else into this chaos? I just want someone to hold, someone to comfort and talk to who isn’t strictly a friend.
I know that there will never be “the right time” to tell my crush that I like him, but it’s enough to keep my mind off of the day to day stress that is work and school. If he were to reject me, I would have no choice but to move on, and what then? I start over.
