I Have Owned My Body For Far Too Long
Start writing a post
Relationships

I Have Owned My Body For Far Too Long

I can't tell him that I think he's cute...

11
I Have Owned My Body For Far Too Long
"She Said I'm Cute!"

Warning! Schoolgirl rant moment: Anyone who knows me knows who I have a massive crush on. I am a Libra, and I just can’t help but take the chance that someone I tell might tell my crush (so that I don’t have to). So far, that hasn’t happened. And all though the people I trust haven’t spilled the beans yet, I am always pushed into conversations like, “Just tell him!” and, “What the hell are you waiting for?!” and always, “Life is too short! If you wait for the right time, there will never be a right time!” But let me explain…

I am terrified. Not only of rejection, but also of the thought of loving someone other than myself in an intimate way. For 21 years, I have held the receipt to my own body. No one has touched my body; no one has claimed me as their own. I have never held the hand of my admirer; I have never been kissed, snuggled, or hugged in any other way than a platonic “There, there now.” I have owned my body for far too long.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to think about someone other than myself, and my own goals in life. To have every decision you make effect your life and your partner’s life? And then there’s the fact that I have spent so long getting to know my own self, and now I need to put the time into getting to know this other, living, breathing, thinking, human being.

And this human has needs: carnal, wired, needs. Things that I just can’t provide right now. And I wouldn’t ever want to stand in the way of their goals in life, and their wishes and dreams. And of course I would work with them to make their dreams come true to my best ability. But to know they think of me in the same way I think about them, I can’t accept it. Because if he does in fact feel the same, then I have to share my body, and furthermore, I have to take part ownership of his. I have only ever been responsible for my own faulty flabs.

Some days I pump myself up with false hope that I will get enough courage to just tell him and hope he reciprocates. And other days I question whether I need someone right now. With everything else I have going on in my life, do I really need to bring someone else into this chaos? I just want someone to hold, someone to comfort and talk to who isn’t strictly a friend.

I know that there will never be “the right time” to tell my crush that I like him, but it’s enough to keep my mind off of the day to day stress that is work and school. If he were to reject me, I would have no choice but to move on, and what then? I start over.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned.

74146
houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee
nappy.co

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

135009
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments