"Try Tinder," they said. And so I did. Probably was going to be a huge mistake, but #yolo...right? Most people already know what Tinder is, but to those of you who don't — Tinder is an application that can be downloaded directly onto your phone to meet new people in your general community or area. I downloaded it purely as a joke — my bio was literally "I'm definitely way better than you and I have impossible standards, so I'm just looking for cool pals," and swiped right on everyone just to see how creepy the guys in my community really were.
They are f*cking creepy, and let me tell you — a month after downloading it I decided that I never wanted anything to do with it again. However, after hundreds of matches, and several conversations I have been able to categorize the men on Tinder into five groups. So cheers to the five types of guys that you find on Tinder.
1. The Hopeless Romantic Boi
They will mention something about this right from the get-go, so check their bio before you swipe, or you might be f*cked if that isn't what you are looking for. These guys are looking for love on Tinder, and want to marry you after 3 days of knowing you...just avoid them if you see key phrases on their bio like "looking for a girlfriend" or "looking for a soulmate" or ANYTHING along those lines. This is ALWAYS bad news. *unmatches*
2. The F*ckboi
These guys are very easy to pick from the crowd. Even if they don't necessarily look like a f*ckboi, they will exemplify their personality with how they will conversate with you. Generally, their first message will include some explicit suggestion, followed by calling you "babe". Like did you even read my bio? I said I'm looking for some cool pals. *unmatches*
3. The Sadboi
This guy will start off really sweet, but then after a couple of messages back and forth — he starts getting dark, deep and serious out of nowhere. In this situation, you will have no idea what the f*ck to do — do you comfort him or do let him deal with his own problems because you literally just met him five minutes ago? Or you could just "unmatch* and forget that it ever even happened.
4. The Annoying Boi
This guy will be nice and all, and then they say something that makes you go "wtf" and not really want to talk to them again. But you don't really unmatch with them because maybe you'll give him another chance. You don't know yet because you're really on the cusp of things at this point. But he is annoying as f*ck because he always messages you, EVEN if you don't message back---just to like check up and make sure that we're still good. Excuse me, but there is no "we". *finally, unmatches*
5. Classic Tinder Boi
This guy is a mix of all of these categories and is the worst one yet. He is the douchiest douchebag in all the universes. Avoid at all costs, because he will ruin your life, and will pretend like it never even happened. *unmatch* *unmatch* *unmatch*
Protip: Just stay the f*ck off of Tinder, and just meet people in real life — because it really is a lot better.