I remember my first month of college very clearly. All of the feelings I thought I threw away my senior year of high school began to take over again. The feeling of never being good enough and doing whatever I needed to "fit in." Once again, I was conforming myself to a person that I didn't want to be.
I had become the definition of staring at my own reflection and not recognizing it. I met a lot of people my first month of college who would become friends I love dearly, but within that first month, not once did I love myself.
Nearly every morning I woke up facing a new complaint about myself; A new regret or a new shame. I felt as if I had to accept the fact that this feeling I had of constantly needing to conform myself into what I felt people wanted me to be was a feeling that would linger with me forever. Only, it wasn't something that I needed to accept, it was something that I needed to recognize so that I could move on from it.
One morning, just another morning, I woke up feeling the lowest I had ever felt and that was the moment I knew that I had to find the change within myself.
I began to pray.
Growing up, I was never a stranger to prayer. But this time was different; I was praying knowing that I not only wanted to change but I needed to change. God was going to be that change.
I knew that I wanted to find God again, but I really didn't know how. I had this feeling that it had been too long since I really allowed God to know who I was. I felt as if I had strayed too far from God, despite being told my whole life that you can never stray too far from God.
Just when I began to say I can't, God began to say I will.
A week hardly went by when God sent me the change that I was looking for. Just a couple of college students denying themselves daily and living their life for God and his kingdom, not for the world. That is what God sent me: the potential of what I could be if I would just choose him.
I began studying the Bible and understanding what having a true relationship with God meant. I began realizing that having a relationship with God isn't just studying out his word, it is living out his word as well.
It was hard. Everday I chose the world over myself, over God. I lived the life that the world offered, not the life that God offered. There were times that I feared I would fall back into the world, but there is one thing I can promise you: once you have a taste of God's grace, you will never taste anything else so sweet.
A year ago, on the 30th of November, I made the decision to deny myself daily. To choose God over the world and to strive to bring the world to his kingdom. I chose God.
A year later and it is still the best decision I have ever made for myself. God was always the answer, but it was up to me to recognize that.
No matter how far you may think you are, God is always there. Arms wide open with love that the world can never offer. We just have to be willing to accept it.
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, the ill walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
